I'm A Little Stuck

     I woke up last night at 10:15 and I had no clue where I was or who I was, I could feel my legs but the numbing sensation in them was freaking me out, my head was pounding and the moon light from my window made my head hurt worse, I was nauseous  dizzy, confused and the balance in my body was zero when I stood I fell back to the floor. Now looking back on it I probably should have gone to the ER, but at the time I didn't know who I was. The worst part is I remember it. I wasn't low, I'm pretty sure my mom checked that. I just wanted to sleep in the bathroom because like I said I felt so sick and I wanted a cool washcloth. I got out of bed and fell back to the floor (gracefully I hope). While I was lying on the floor face first I realized that I was in my own room, I remember everything. I got up again and used the wall to help me balance all the way to the kitchen. How I made it there I will never know. My mom came out to ask me if I was okay and I stood in the kitchen hunched over with a hand on the counter and the other on my forehead and I started sobbing. I was embarrassed, scared, confused and super spinny. She escorted me back to bed and gave me some Tylenol. I couldn't communicate to her what I was feeling. I couldn't tell her that all ten toes were now nonexistent  that the hot flashes were getting worse, that I woke up not knowing who or where I was. She stood there for a few more minutes and then left me with the dog who didn't leave my side the rest of the night.
     This is has been going on for the past month. Sometimes it's linked to blood sugar, but most the time it isn't. I've seen my doctor again and he referred me to a cardiologist again who literally asked me why I was there. None of the episodes look like heart problems. Everyone thinks that these are mini seizures. They think there is something wrong with my brain and the way it sends waves or something. They also think that if it is seizures my blood sugar could be effected when my brain waves are interrupted for what ever reason. I'm so confused and every appointment is just another dead end. This is all starting to get really frustrating and discouraging. It's not even the fact that I'm having the episodes, it's the fact that when they do happen there's nothing I can do. I just have to ride it out and hope it turns out okay in the end. Which sucks big time because I feel like hell when this happens. Do you have any suggestions on any of this? Because I'm stuck.

Keep your head up and always try to remember where you are,
Ellie <3 
P.S Just for laughs video: 

  

This Post Doesn't Really Have a Title..

     I have an English project I have to do. I have to use the fact that I am an out-of-the-box thinker and I have to describe how it feels to be me, but it can't be an essay and a video is to cliche and my friend Sully is already doing something with glitter paper and we all know you can't have two people using glitter paper on the same project. So now I have to think of something very creative and out-of-the-boxy. Normally I'm really good at thinking up projects but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing for this one, which is truly no bueno situation. Any suggestions like at all?? Because this is a really BIG project and I kinda need a good grade on it.

Keep your head up and your grades up as well,
Ellie <3

P.S while you're helping me with my homework find the humor in this pictures, because really there is a lot of humor. :D

    

   one more because you know you want too..


So maybe not all of them were "funny" persay, but they did make you smile. :)

The Polar Express

     The holidays have always been my favorite. My family has so many traditions that you can't help but smile at. One of them is going to the Polar Express in Ely, Nevada the first weekend of December EVERY year. This year we had a group of 23 that met up and dominated the small town all weekend. It was fantastic. Here are just a few pictures from the weekend, more may come soon. I hope you enjoy the laugh. :D 

These are all the "kids" that were with us at the Ely craft fair. The oldest Patrick pointing at Santa was trying to tickle him, Santa wasn't to thrilled with that though. 

This is Victoria, Taylir, and I waiting to get on the train to go to the North Pole! 

This is my Father's Maybelline look as he calls it and a creepy statue behind him, I mean look at the smile on that guy it horrible.  

Cutting down our Christmas tree in the fridged cold... 

Some family members and I :) If you look at the girl in the yellow we have matching PJ's cheapest  pj's I've ever bought. 

Our Christmas card picture this year. Aren't we adorable?

The Polar Express is part of our Christmas tradition, what are some of yours? Merry Christmas season everyone! Keep your head up and the Christmas spirit alive,

Ellie <3

I. Am. Strong.

     This topic is really serious, it's been happening to me since eighth grade and no one has stepped up and helped. I know other teens my age are going through the same thing as well and that's why I wanted to wright about this. Please keep your negative comments to yourself although I doubt you will have any and if you have any advice please offer it up, whether it's by email or just commenting as well as questions. This is something no one has ever talked with me about and that's why it's so important to me that I get my story out there.
     When I was a Freshman two years ago I witnessed a threat and attempt on my best friend. I reported it and my name got out from another witness. I was stalked on facebook, sent threatening emails and was looked down upon at a school where I used to be respected. I tried telling my parents that I was scared to go to school that a kid had pointed at me and said "I'm going to burn your house down." or "you better watch your back while you're walking home." It scared me, but my parents said that I was over reacting or just being paranoid  Then it just became constant, what I call bullying, what everyone else calls high school. I was teased and picked on, I would leave class crying because someone called me a whore or said something about me. I asked for help, I talked to my parents, I tried everything. No one came. I started cutting. Not on my wrists because I'm smarter than that I simply picked at the cuiticals of my nails  sometimes I would peel off so much skin I would bleed profusely  It wasn't healthy and I knew that, but I was crying for help. I started having thoughts of suicide, at first it was just am I really worth staying on this planet, but it then became more serious like if I were to do it how and when. I told a friend and she called my mom to come pick me up. I told my mom flat out that I was thinking about taking my life. I asked if I could see a counselor, I asked if they could help me, but no one would listen. I faded into the white noise of statistics and I never looked back. I bottled it all up inside me and kept going. The only people outside of my mother that knew this was the one friend and someone else really close to me. Flash forward to now. I just came back from Thanksgiving vacation, literally pulling into the garage when I got a text from a different friend asking me if it was true. If I really was suicidal freak on medication. The rumor spread. I walked into class late one day from the nurse after treating a very scary 30 and the first thing I hear was "she must have forgotten her medication today because she looks gross." I know I should be above caring at this point, and I know I should let it roll of my back, but when someone says that, when rumors spread about you it hurts. I feel betrayed by that person I trusted enough to tell this too, and I'm tired of hearing people say things about me, but because I'm letting this get the best of me I'm struggling in school. I have all D's right now and I'm being called imperfect by my parents. The pressures are getting to me again and as hard as I look, I can't find an outlet. I know I'm strong and I know there are other things out there besides suicide, and I'm not in that state at all, but I know there are other people out there besides me who are literally crying out for help and they are being over looked. I don't know how to help them, and I don't know what I can do, but if you do come across someone like me please don't tell them they are stupid for feeling betrayed and hurt and scared. We just want someone to listen to us, and to tell us that they care. As for the person who started the rumor I can guarantee that the next time we see each other they will not be smiling as they limp away. I just wanted you guys to know who I am and what I really struggle with because really I'm not perfect and I do need help, but I know others out there need help to and my story just might be the one to show them that they are not alone.

So please keep your head up and stay strong,
Ellie <3

Only I Could Master Going Low At a Place Like This

Before I begin this is NOT A POLITICAL POST I PROMISE!!!! It just takes place on Election Day.
      Through my school, I found out that on election day I had an opportunity to work at the polls. And in Nevada we get the day off so I jumped on the opportunity to be apart of the voting process even though I'm not old enough to vote. I was supposed to bring as much food as I was not allowed to leave the polling place during the day. I showed up to our polling which was at the fire station just down the road. We were showed where the kitchen was as that would be where we were taking our breaks and the fire fighters were all really nice. The polls opened and we were off and running. Everything was going smoothly until my five o'clock break. I tested and looked at the 36. No symptoms at all. I took a bag of crackers into the kitchen and began nibbling at them. I was starring at the wall when the firemen came back. One guy looked at me and asked if I was okay, I just kinda looked at him and didn't answer. He snapped his fingers in front of my face and asked me again. All I could really choke out was "I'm just low." And I went quiet again. I was now half way through my second fruit snack and he was still just sitting in the kitchen glancing over his shoulder every once and a while checking on me. Because if there's one great thing about going low on election day, it being in a fire station at the same time. I started shifting back into life and he started asking me questions. "How low were you?" 36. "What is your target range?" At stuff like this between 80-120 but it's more important to keep it above 80. "How many carbs did you have?" A total of 45g. "What are you now?" 46. He didn't say anything when I got up and left a few seconds later. It was a bad night with a very stubborn string of lows. But, you bet I did amazing showing people from a distance how to use the voting machines. So thank you to the fire man who looked an awful lot like this guy:

Keep your head up and your political posts off facebook please,
Ellie <3

P.S~ sorry it took you guys three tries to eat dinner with out having an alarm sounding.

I've Never Seen It Happen To Anyone Else

I live in Nevada so we got Nevada Day off yesterday, and my church decided to take a youth trip to Six Flags in California. Our group took seven kids total and three adults. Our new Pastor came with us and when we were taking the little trolly up to the top of the hill at the park he looked over at my mother and the other chaperon and said just so you know I am Type One Diabetic and we may have to stop and eat more than once. He told them that he carried his meter and his pump, but he didn't want to bring any snacks into the park. He then listed the warning signs and said just get me juice and have me drink it. Now my mom has never really engaged in my hypoglycemia, she's just kinda let me take care of it and we never really spoke of it. That why when she said "oh my daughter has hypoglycemia" it kind of took me by shock. I let him know that I had plenty of juice boxes, granola bars, and fruit snacks to supply the both of us and he just needed to let me know when he needed one. Our groups split up and we went on our ways. It was so much fun, SUPER EXPENSIVE, but so much fun. At the end of the night we met back up at the front of the park so we could head out towards the cars. It was around 6:30 and I hadn't eaten dinner, but I had kept on the snacks. I tested my blood sugar and was surprised when a 36 stared me back. Then it hit me. We got in the car on our way to Taco Bell and I kinda lost it. There was crying, and panic attacks, and fruit snacks flying, and laughter at me from the back seat is was not fun at all. So when we got to Taco Bell my mom ordered my food and I found a table and put my head down. I could feel myself morphing back into a human being as I had already had 2 juice boxes and a fruit snack. And as I was eating our Pastor looked over at me and was like "You seem to be waking back up." And I was kinda like giving him a death stare, I didn't mean to, but it just kinda happened."I was 36, I now have 90 some odd carbs floating around in my body, I better be waking back up." His mouth dropped and he said "That's what it looks like to be low? I've never seen it happen to anybody else. I saw all the warning signs when we were walking back to the car I just didn't really think about it." It just surprised him and caught him off guard that, that's what a low looks like. He's probably been through it a million times we just never really see it happening to other people. I also realized I'm not alone. I wasn't there when it happened, but I guess he dropped at the park too.. There really isn't a moral to this story, it was just one of those day in the life kinda things. :) 

Keep your head up and have a safe Halloween,

Ellie <3 

I don't Think You Know

   
     I was sitting dying on the floor at a Hunger Games themed birthday party... We just played around of nonviolent Hunger Games and I was hot, sweaty, sticky, tired, and low. I have been all week. Ever since Wednesday when I dropped into the 20's at school again. It's been kicking my butt lately. But anyways, I was laying on the floor under the AC trying to catch my breath and regain stability in my legs. As I was laying there a lady appeared probably from somewhere, but I swear she poofed out of nowhere. She asked me if I was alright and I said yes just a little tired from running haywire in the sun. She got really close to my face, maybe even a little to close, and whispered "it's okay I know what you're going through." Ummm okay?? I turned to her and asked "what do you think is wrong?" I was trying to be respectful be polite, but it really just wasn't happening. "Oh you know it's not a party you are throwing and you're not the main person and you're feeling left out. It's okay, I may not agree with how you're feeling, but I understand." Umm NO YOU DON'T!! I didn't say that of course, that would be rude, but seriously I've never met you before and this is one of the first things you say to me? Really? "I'm actually laying here alone and not outside with the rest of the party because I feel like I am about to pass out, and my blood sugar is low and I just need to sit out for a few." I said nicely, quietly, discreetly. She wasn't going for it. "Oh I know how that feels too, I watched a show on TV and one of the characters was diabetic." At this point I had lost all level headedness. Oh no, I was about to blow. "I'm sorry, but watching a TV show doesn't even begin to tell you what I'm going through right now." She kept talking but I tuned her out. I was done with the conversation, she wasn't getting anything I explained it was for the better that I stopped talking. I've since been thinking.. there's a lot of people who don't understand.
-I try so hard to participate in party games, but with a blood sugar of 40 that's just not an option.
-I can't see ANYTHING when I am low, the vision just isn't there.
-my attitude goes right out the window I'm a lifeless corpse waiting for something to happen so I can be functional again.
- The anxiety attacks that I have become familiar with after a low makes me cry, shake, freak out and I've learned that leaving the room is my best option.
People don't understand that I can't control what happens when I'm low, I have no power against my body... and it sucks. When your day starts off at exactly 100 and then at 1:30 you're 79 and then at 3:00 you're 42 and then you're 90 at 4:30 and back to 50 in 20 minutes you just want to scream. You can't control it and no most of the times people don't understand this. It's beyond frustrating that I have to deal with these lows and the anxiety and I am trying SOO hard to better control my blood sugars and to be healthy people just don't understand this.
Keep your head up and it screwed on tight,
Ellie <3