Friday, September 21, 2012

The Point Of No Return

          I need one of these. A button to push when all else fails would be amazing! Lately I have been having these freak panic attacks not to many of them have been too serious, but there have been a few. My brain will get mentally all worked up about one thing or another and then it just keeps rolling down hill from there until I reach the point of no return. I find myself freaking out with my heart racing, my hands tingling and my breathing becomes short and shallow and a few times my breathing has just flat out stops. My a few of my friends have been amazing and have learned to watch for the early warning signs of an attack and will walk me through it, but I can't always depend on them. In the end I have to keep myself breathing, I am in charge of me. When I do notice I'm mentally panicking I try to pull myself out of the situation, like if I'm in the middle of lunch I try to go out in the hallway where there are less people. I notice that I rub my fingers together when they get tingly and I get really really over heated. I've learned. I don't know why these are happening and what's stressing me out so much, but I know that in the past two weeks I've had at least 10 minor attacks and 3 big ones. They're scary and it's getting to the point where I don't want to trust myself alone, but like always I will conquer this and I will keep living my life. So if you've ever had a panic attack and have some suggestions on getting through it PLEASE share them with me because I'm a little worried right now.

Keep your head up and your panic button close,
Ellie <3

Sunday, September 9, 2012

It's Not Fair

     Do you know what it's like to not breath? What it's like to feel captive inside your own body, to want to move and do things, but being constrained to the spot you're already in. I know what that feels like. I've been in that spot more than plenty times this past week. I knew the signs well in advance, but because there was so much other stuff going on in my life I looked past all of it. I looked past the dizziness, the clouded vision, the dilated eyes, the confusion, the blurry vision, I looked past all of it. Looking back, everybody around me said they knew something was wrong, but because I had been in such a bad mood they didn't want to push the subject. They said I was distant and my face went pale, they said my speech kinda slurred, my thoughts were speratic and and jumbled they just knew that I had been in such a hole this past week that they didn't want to say anything. None of us realized how serious it was until I was sitting in the nurse bawling because they wouldn't let me go to sixth because I was 28. I was 28... Just saying that in my head makes me want to cry. It's a scary THOUGHT to THINK, but you never think that will really happen to you. That is until it does and you want to kill everything in your path because if you have to feel like this they should too, because if  you can't go to one of your favorite classes they shouldn't be able to either. It just isn't fair. None of this is fair. I missed instructions that are really important, I missed notes that are really important, I miss seeing my friends and being there. And now because of that 28 I have to test everyday before guard and I CAN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES participate if I'm under 80.. It's not fair. Other kids can go to class and learn and whine about it, but I'm sometimes stuck in the office and I mean I love our nurse it's just not where I want to spend my time during the school day. I've gotten used to the fact, I've become okay with it, it's just not fair. I know, I know, life is never fair, but I think once, just once, life could bend the rules. Do you think any of this is fair?

Keep your head up and keep breathing,
Ellie <3

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Why Are We Calling Your Mother?

      I walked up to the nurse for the first time my feet dragging, hands shaking, head in a cloud. I plop my bag on the chairs and walk over to the counter with my bag in hand. I prick my finger and look over at the Mrs. K the FASA with a dead look on my face. "You're low aren't you?" She asked looking over at me.
"Yup. 44." I answered putting my kit back in my back pack. I sat down on the chair and began slowly munching on my Oreo Thins (Goodness I love those things). 15 minutes later I test again, "54." I reported to Mrs. M. I'm not allowed to leave the office unless I'm 70. I ate a granola bar hoping it would push me back into the safe zone so I could continue on with my crappy day. After 15 minutes I tested again (ode the joys) I looked down at the screen to see a 48. Why it went back down I will never know. Mrs. M looked at the number and said drink this and handed me two kaprisuns. 10 minutes after that I tested again at a 59. "Can I please just go to class? It's math and I'm missing notes and all that jazz." I asked. She let me go as long as she walked me there and I came back during the next passing period. So I did, I came back and I tested just like always. "68." I reported zipping up the case.
"Why isn't it going up? Am I gonna have to call your mother?" Mrs. M fake threatened handing me another juice box.
"Why are we calling your mother?" A school police asked as I sat down in my chair. He was serious too. If Mrs. M hadn't of explained to him the situation and why I looked drunk and high and all out of sorts he probably would have. "Oh so that's why you look so drunk and stoned." He said after the shpeel. I then told him the story of me walking home from the bus stop and being pulled over by our neighborhood cop because I was stumbling and acting funny. He just sat there and looked at me. Now I'm sure he'll be asking more questions every time I pass him in the hallway too, but then again I guess I'm used to that.

Keep your head up and you blood sugar higher,
Ellie <3

Monday, September 3, 2012

The Art Of Going To The Store For One Thing And Coming Back With Four Other Things

"Moooooom I don't feel good." I said as I laid down with my cheek against the kitchen tile.
"What's your sugar?" She asked only half paying attention.
"Do I look like I care what my number is right now? I told you I don't feel good." I huffed laying my head back down.
"Go check, I think it might be useful." *unzip the ugly a$$ black pouch, slip strip into slot, poke finger, flinch because you hit a weird spot on your finger, wait for the five seconds to be up.* 66.
See that grey dot? Yes, that would be where I pricked today.. -_- 
"Mom I'm almost out of strips and I've got a lot going on this week." I huff again except this time while drinking juice.
"Maybe after you eat your dinner you can go get yourself some." She said half sarcastically. So after dinner I got my butt up to go get more strips from Target. I walk straight over to the pharmacy... I mean of course they were closed it's labor day, I really should have thought that one through. But, then I thought crossed my mind. I'll get some ice cream. So I walked to the back of the store and grabbed some ice cream, and then as I was walking back up to the front I remember "oh silly me I need a toothbrush because I acentically threw mine away this morning." So now I have ice cream and a tooth brush then just as I was about to check out I decided I needed an Itunes card because Fun. had a new song out that I NEEDED to get. So now I have ice cream, a tooth brush, an Itunes card, a pack of gum, and NO STRIPS!! Hmm I suck at being a one track minded person. This is why I don't go to Target with money.

Keep your head up and your tooth brushes OUT OF THE TRASHCAN,
Ellie <3

P.S I found this on Facebook today because Lord knows I'm not addicted to that.. I though I would share it with y'all because really it's quite funny.

Yup, you know you wanna smile now. :) Have a good short week everyone!!