Friday, December 27, 2013

One Foggy Step At A Time

     You can't plan for everything. I can't tell you how much I wish that I could plan for everything because I would have made a few different desicissions yesterday. Like a different sweatshirt for example. If I would have known that my sweatshirt was going to be torn into two pieces I probably wouldn't have worn my work sweatshirt. To be quite honest I probably would have just called in.
     It started yesterday. I didn't have a ride to work so I walked. It's like a mile maybe a mile and a half walk. That's nothing, I can walk that in my sleep. I was walking fine I could see my work just across the street and then everything went black. Apparently while I was walking I collapsed and began convulsing. Two men happened to be driving down the street and watched it happen so they ran across the street and got the fire department. Because I was wearing the darn sweatshirt and unresponsive they cut the sleeves of my sweatshirt to start a line and get a set of vitals. I honestly don't remember any of this. I remember waking up and one of the firefighters started asking me the usual string of questions as well as where I worked. When I told him I didn't know where I was he said I was across the street from work. I asked him if I was going to be able to make it... he said I should probably just call in. That's the last thing I remember. But the day goes on. I was transported to the hospital because the seizures were still happening. While in the ambulance they gave me an aceditive to relax my muscles hoping to stop the seizures so now I'm just flat out loopy and seizy. It's not the most glamourus of combinations. The next thing I remember is being in the hospital and feeling like little ants were crawling all up my back and then when they made it to my neck they started to crawl down my legs. At first my mom thought I was just over reacting over a little itch. But then I started bawling and gasping for air. I was having an allergic reaction to some of the medication they gave me to help stop the seizures. They gave me more meds to counteract the reaction and help me breath. Next thing I knew it was four hours later and I was in a new hospital. The ER doctor came in and told me that I'm not having seizures. That none of the tests prove that its seizures and that it's all psychological. Now I understand that that's possible. But I've seen a psychiatrist and they've cleared me of conversion disorder. He kept saying that they could have killed me by giving me that medication that I didn't need and that it was my fault for not telling them they weren't actual seizures. I was told by my neurologist that they were atonic seizures which is indeed a form of seizures. So they're telling me that my neurologist was lying.. it was really really complicated and there was a lot of tears and doctors yelling at me and my mom and my mom fighting back. I really didn't have that kind of energy that late in the day and with so much stuff running through my veins. It was really quite an ordeal. The next thing I remember is getting admitted to my room really late at night and falling asleep soon after that. The next morning wasn't nearly as exciting. There was more confrontation with doctors and more medication but I was released by the end of the day. There are still so many holes in the story that I don't think I'll ever figure out.
     But I've come to the conclusion that you can't plan for everything. My mom couldn't have planned that she would have to get into a debate with an ER Dr.,  I never planned that I would get picked up off of a sidewalk and get drugged up to no end. You can't plan for everything. All you can do is learn from it and use that information to help you plan for other things. I never planned to be allergic to an anti-seizure medication and yet I learned that and now I'm planning ways to prevent me from ever coming in contact with it again. What are some of things you didn't plan for, but ended up learning something from?

More bracelets to add to the collection. I actually do remember taking this picture. Most of the drugs had worn off by this point. 

Keep your head up and take it one step at a time,
Ellie <3

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Looking Back

     This year has been such a crazy and hectic year. Between me being in and out of the ER, getting a job, school, preparing for college, and planning for my future career everything that wasn't important to that moment in time slipped through the cracks. I haven't given myself a chance to breath lately. I'm the one that's filling my schedule, I could have made the time to just sit and write or sit and think, but I didn't. So today when I had the opportunity to do so and just reflect on this past year I realized many things.
      I realized that no matter how much I think I can handle on my own, it's such a blessing to have a support group around me. Whether that's my family, my best friend, the doctors that are working on my team, they are all part of my support group. Even on my weakest days they are there cheering for me and helping take each and every step. Through the tears (and there has been more than I'd like to admit to), the smiles, and everything in between. Every single one of them has been there for me; no matter how strong I think I am I found out it's always easier going through the struggles in life with the people that care for me most.
     I realized as well that something like this doesn't have to stop me from anything. I always told myself that at the beginning when it wasn't as bad or when it was first starting to affect my life. But it's not easy to tell myself that when I'm stuck in the ER for the rest of the day because of another seizure. Or when something else has to be taken away because it's not safe for me like driving, or walking somewhere, and even laser tag. I've had to give up so many things these past few months that it's hard not to look at everything and just want to give up. Throw my hands up in the air and say "I'm done." But I realized that giving up get's you no where. If anything it makes you back track. I'm not saying that I haven't given up at all, I'm just saying that I get right back at it. I take a few minutes to myself, tell myself that in the end everything will work out and than I get back at it.
     One of the biggest things I think I learned from this year is that answers don't just fall from the sky. They don't just happen suddenly with out any explanation or information preceeding it. I learned that to help speed up the process of getting answers I can't rely on anybody but me. I have to tell my doctors everything myself, with out relying on my mom. Not that she doesn't know what she's talking about, but I can explain what's happening to me better than she can because well... it's not happening to her. Also in the same respect I've had to work with my doctors by giving them input. When we try something new or test something new I have to make sure I'm telling them everything because the more information they get the better they can help me. But also if I think of a test we haven't done yet or a test I think we should relook at I need to speak up. I can't wait until later. I have to speak up, I have to advocate for myself.
      I've realized many things this past year. Most health related, but some not. I'm excited to take what I learned this year and apply it next year and even tomorrow. Everyday I'm learning something new about myself. I'm finding another piece to the puzzle. Now I just have to put the puzzle together. Here's to a happy and healthy New Year! What new things have you learned this year that could help make next year even better?

Keep your head up and never stop learning,
Ellie <3