Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I. Am. Strong.

     This topic is really serious, it's been happening to me since eighth grade and no one has stepped up and helped. I know other teens my age are going through the same thing as well and that's why I wanted to wright about this. Please keep your negative comments to yourself although I doubt you will have any and if you have any advice please offer it up, whether it's by email or just commenting as well as questions. This is something no one has ever talked with me about and that's why it's so important to me that I get my story out there.
     When I was a Freshman two years ago I witnessed a threat and attempt on my best friend. I reported it and my name got out from another witness. I was stalked on facebook, sent threatening emails and was looked down upon at a school where I used to be respected. I tried telling my parents that I was scared to go to school that a kid had pointed at me and said "I'm going to burn your house down." or "you better watch your back while you're walking home." It scared me, but my parents said that I was over reacting or just being paranoid  Then it just became constant, what I call bullying, what everyone else calls high school. I was teased and picked on, I would leave class crying because someone called me a whore or said something about me. I asked for help, I talked to my parents, I tried everything. No one came. I started cutting. Not on my wrists because I'm smarter than that I simply picked at the cuiticals of my nails  sometimes I would peel off so much skin I would bleed profusely  It wasn't healthy and I knew that, but I was crying for help. I started having thoughts of suicide, at first it was just am I really worth staying on this planet, but it then became more serious like if I were to do it how and when. I told a friend and she called my mom to come pick me up. I told my mom flat out that I was thinking about taking my life. I asked if I could see a counselor, I asked if they could help me, but no one would listen. I faded into the white noise of statistics and I never looked back. I bottled it all up inside me and kept going. The only people outside of my mother that knew this was the one friend and someone else really close to me. Flash forward to now. I just came back from Thanksgiving vacation, literally pulling into the garage when I got a text from a different friend asking me if it was true. If I really was suicidal freak on medication. The rumor spread. I walked into class late one day from the nurse after treating a very scary 30 and the first thing I hear was "she must have forgotten her medication today because she looks gross." I know I should be above caring at this point, and I know I should let it roll of my back, but when someone says that, when rumors spread about you it hurts. I feel betrayed by that person I trusted enough to tell this too, and I'm tired of hearing people say things about me, but because I'm letting this get the best of me I'm struggling in school. I have all D's right now and I'm being called imperfect by my parents. The pressures are getting to me again and as hard as I look, I can't find an outlet. I know I'm strong and I know there are other things out there besides suicide, and I'm not in that state at all, but I know there are other people out there besides me who are literally crying out for help and they are being over looked. I don't know how to help them, and I don't know what I can do, but if you do come across someone like me please don't tell them they are stupid for feeling betrayed and hurt and scared. We just want someone to listen to us, and to tell us that they care. As for the person who started the rumor I can guarantee that the next time we see each other they will not be smiling as they limp away. I just wanted you guys to know who I am and what I really struggle with because really I'm not perfect and I do need help, but I know others out there need help to and my story just might be the one to show them that they are not alone.

So please keep your head up and stay strong,
Ellie <3

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Only I Could Master Going Low At a Place Like This

Before I begin this is NOT A POLITICAL POST I PROMISE!!!! It just takes place on Election Day.
      Through my school, I found out that on election day I had an opportunity to work at the polls. And in Nevada we get the day off so I jumped on the opportunity to be apart of the voting process even though I'm not old enough to vote. I was supposed to bring as much food as I was not allowed to leave the polling place during the day. I showed up to our polling which was at the fire station just down the road. We were showed where the kitchen was as that would be where we were taking our breaks and the fire fighters were all really nice. The polls opened and we were off and running. Everything was going smoothly until my five o'clock break. I tested and looked at the 36. No symptoms at all. I took a bag of crackers into the kitchen and began nibbling at them. I was starring at the wall when the firemen came back. One guy looked at me and asked if I was okay, I just kinda looked at him and didn't answer. He snapped his fingers in front of my face and asked me again. All I could really choke out was "I'm just low." And I went quiet again. I was now half way through my second fruit snack and he was still just sitting in the kitchen glancing over his shoulder every once and a while checking on me. Because if there's one great thing about going low on election day, it being in a fire station at the same time. I started shifting back into life and he started asking me questions. "How low were you?" 36. "What is your target range?" At stuff like this between 80-120 but it's more important to keep it above 80. "How many carbs did you have?" A total of 45g. "What are you now?" 46. He didn't say anything when I got up and left a few seconds later. It was a bad night with a very stubborn string of lows. But, you bet I did amazing showing people from a distance how to use the voting machines. So thank you to the fire man who looked an awful lot like this guy:
Keep your head up and your political posts off facebook please,
Ellie <3

P.S~ sorry it took you guys three tries to eat dinner with out having an alarm sounding.