Sunday, September 9, 2012

It's Not Fair

     Do you know what it's like to not breath? What it's like to feel captive inside your own body, to want to move and do things, but being constrained to the spot you're already in. I know what that feels like. I've been in that spot more than plenty times this past week. I knew the signs well in advance, but because there was so much other stuff going on in my life I looked past all of it. I looked past the dizziness, the clouded vision, the dilated eyes, the confusion, the blurry vision, I looked past all of it. Looking back, everybody around me said they knew something was wrong, but because I had been in such a bad mood they didn't want to push the subject. They said I was distant and my face went pale, they said my speech kinda slurred, my thoughts were speratic and and jumbled they just knew that I had been in such a hole this past week that they didn't want to say anything. None of us realized how serious it was until I was sitting in the nurse bawling because they wouldn't let me go to sixth because I was 28. I was 28... Just saying that in my head makes me want to cry. It's a scary THOUGHT to THINK, but you never think that will really happen to you. That is until it does and you want to kill everything in your path because if you have to feel like this they should too, because if  you can't go to one of your favorite classes they shouldn't be able to either. It just isn't fair. None of this is fair. I missed instructions that are really important, I missed notes that are really important, I miss seeing my friends and being there. And now because of that 28 I have to test everyday before guard and I CAN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES participate if I'm under 80.. It's not fair. Other kids can go to class and learn and whine about it, but I'm sometimes stuck in the office and I mean I love our nurse it's just not where I want to spend my time during the school day. I've gotten used to the fact, I've become okay with it, it's just not fair. I know, I know, life is never fair, but I think once, just once, life could bend the rules. Do you think any of this is fair?

Keep your head up and keep breathing,
Ellie <3

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