Sunday, October 14, 2012

I don't Think You Know

     I was sitting dying on the floor at a Hunger Games themed birthday party... We just played around of nonviolent Hunger Games and I was hot, sweaty, sticky, tired, and low. I have been all week. Ever since Wednesday when I dropped into the 20's at school again. It's been kicking my butt lately. But anyways, I was laying on the floor under the AC trying to catch my breath and regain stability in my legs. As I was laying there a lady appeared probably from somewhere, but I swear she poofed out of nowhere. She asked me if I was alright and I said yes just a little tired from running haywire in the sun. She got really close to my face, maybe even a little to close, and whispered "it's okay I know what you're going through." Ummm okay?? I turned to her and asked "what do you think is wrong?" I was trying to be respectful be polite, but it really just wasn't happening. "Oh you know it's not a party you are throwing and you're not the main person and you're feeling left out. It's okay, I may not agree with how you're feeling, but I understand." Umm NO YOU DON'T!! I didn't say that of course, that would be rude, but seriously I've never met you before and this is one of the first things you say to me? Really? "I'm actually laying here alone and not outside with the rest of the party because I feel like I am about to pass out, and my blood sugar is low and I just need to sit out for a few." I said nicely, quietly, discreetly. She wasn't going for it. "Oh I know how that feels too, I watched a show on TV and one of the characters was diabetic." At this point I had lost all level headedness. Oh no, I was about to blow. "I'm sorry, but watching a TV show doesn't even begin to tell you what I'm going through right now." She kept talking but I tuned her out. I was done with the conversation, she wasn't getting anything I explained it was for the better that I stopped talking. I've since been thinking.. there's a lot of people who don't understand.
-I try so hard to participate in party games, but with a blood sugar of 40 that's just not an option.
-I can't see ANYTHING when I am low, the vision just isn't there.
-my attitude goes right out the window I'm a lifeless corpse waiting for something to happen so I can be functional again.
- The anxiety attacks that I have become familiar with after a low makes me cry, shake, freak out and I've learned that leaving the room is my best option.
People don't understand that I can't control what happens when I'm low, I have no power against my body... and it sucks. When your day starts off at exactly 100 and then at 1:30 you're 79 and then at 3:00 you're 42 and then you're 90 at 4:30 and back to 50 in 20 minutes you just want to scream. You can't control it and no most of the times people don't understand this. It's beyond frustrating that I have to deal with these lows and the anxiety and I am trying SOO hard to better control my blood sugars and to be healthy people just don't understand this.
Keep your head up and it screwed on tight,
Ellie <3

1 comment:

  1. I was at a party last year, low and needing food. By the time I got food, I spirited away to a room by myself, and was followed by a crazy person, who said, "I know what you're doing in here". Oh really. "You're really f-ed up". Um, okay?

    It continued from there, and she wouldn't stop and I couldn't eat, but I'd already bolused and started crying because I needed food so bad, and it kept getting worse.

    She was an alcoholic, and for whatever reason, chose me to be crazy at.

    I'm so sorry that happened to you.