Wednesday, April 10, 2013

My Head Fills With Water

       It was a water break. I felt fine, stressed, but other than that fine. I walked out of the gym and into the bathroom to wet a paper towel. Like every other water break I placed the cool towel on my head, rested my feet parallel up against the wall and laid on the floor in an attempted 90 degree angle, it's how I calm down and decompress. When the break is over someone comes out and collects me and we begin practice again. It's a routine, one that I'm used to, one that works for me. Well, at least until it doesn't work for me.
     On Monday night I was laying there, and the last thing I remember is my head filling up with water. The next thing I remember is my guard instructor and a janitor standing over me asking me to many questions waay to fast. I at the time had no idea who they were or where I was or why anyone was standing over me. My guard instructor told me I was a school for practice and them helped me up and back into the gym while I sat there pretty much crying the rest of the practice. When practice was over I got in my car and drove home. Still unsure of what happened, still not feeling back up to par, still crying. I didn't tell my mom, but I did tell Mrs. M my school nurse because now I'm scared to go to guard. I got the whole story Tuesday afternoon when my friend Maddy said she came out and nudged me a couple times (apparently I never responded) she went to get my instructor and while she was gone a janitor was sweeping past me and asked me if I was okay, he too went to find my instructor because I did not respond. I guess I had blacked out while lying down and I don't remember any of it... sadly, this is the third time this has happened in the past two weeks. Once last Wednesday in my English class, once Sunday morning on my church floor, and Monday night. I don't remember any of it and it freaks me out. It makes me scared to drive anywhere, it makes me scared to do guard or go running. It's no longer just my blood sugars anymore, I have those as under control as they're gonna get. It's just I keep blacking out. I've only told my mother about one of them because when I tell her I get a lecture on how "it's probably just stress, I'm probably over reacting, you're just making this all up to get attention." So I've stopped telling her. I started a folder and I write down EVERYTHING, from what I feel, to what people tell me happened after the fact. I have a neurologist app. on the 22nd because it's gotten so bad, and the school nurse is considering pulling me from color guard until I have the approval of the doctor to come back, I asked her not to because we have to competitions left and they're both circut finals and I can't let my team down. But it really does scare me and I really don't want to do guard. The fact that I can't remember what's happening to myself freaks me out. The only semi-good thing is every time I did blackout about five minutes before it's happening I feel my head filling up with water, don't ask me how that feels because I honestly can't explain it, but people know when I complain about my head filling with water I NEED to go to the nurse or not be alone. Hopefully we figure out what's wrong soon and I can move on with my life because this is becoming pretty annoying.

Keep your head and your spirits up,
Ellie <3      

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