Friday, July 27, 2012

Keeping My Happy Face On

     I haven't posted in a while. Life has simply gotten away from me. In a matter of weeks I got my license, got a job, finish my second year of high school, got a boyfriend, and started being completely independent. I always knew that turning 16 would be a major turning point in my life. I just knew it, before that day I felt trapped, not in a bad way, but just trapped in a world where my world had to coinside with everyone else's. I couldn't do something if I couldn't find a ride, I couldn't eat somewhere if I couldn't find a ride or someone who would pay for me.. things like that. But now, I can do what ever I want, to an extent and I just feel free. I've let go of those strings that were attached to me and I've officially become my own person.
     And I'm not going to lie to you... This new found freedom has been AMAZING!! But, lately I've noticed that it's been taking it's toll. I've noticed that the emotional side has been weighing down on me, and the physical/medical side of it all has been making it's self known as well. And well, I've just been coping. I haven't been conquering, or fighting, or even trying, I've just been riding it. Sure I've come to terms with the fact that testing my blood sugar is no option and my boyfriend has been fine with that. It's just he's never seen  a sever moment where I can not physically handle things on my own, and I fear that if that does happen he won't know what to do because he just doesn't know. And I don't want to educate him or even bring it up because well it's still awkward. I don't want to HAVE to talk about it. But I know I HAVE to because my episodes lately are speratic with no pattern, and they've been bad.. like grey blurry vision, no freaking clue where I am, what I'm doing, or where I'm going, and dizziness like you can't imagine. And every time like clock work I test and I'm still hovering in the 120's-130's or every once and a while the 30's and 40's. I just don't understand it!!
It's like that elephant that sits in the middle of the room, except in my case it's that creepy monster.. (I have no pictures of me with elephants. Stick with me..) I feel like I'm slowly loosing hope. That there's nothing left to fight for, except for the fact that I have EVERYTHING left to fight for. So what do I do? To educate or not to educate? Tis is the question. And if I do, what do I say? Uhg... this is soo difficult.

For now I think I'll just keep my happy face on and keep riding it through.

Keep your head up and your happy face on,
Ellie <3

1 comment:

  1. Keep on trying... that's all any of us can do, right?

    Hugs, Ellie!