Friday, April 20, 2012

These Questions

Do they know?
Is the orange dust all over me?
Do they think I'm doing drugs?
Do they think I'm a fat a$$?
Do they know this is all to keep me safe?
Do they know I have no intentions of bombing this or any other airport?
Do they know?

Do they know? That's a question I don't think I'll be able to ever answer 100%. At the beginning of ninth grade when this was all starting I was eating so much more, and I thought I only needed sugar, so I would always carry extra brownies. I wasn't educated enough to know what was going on in my body or how to educate people. And now with all my tests coming back negative, I still don't. But, at the beginning of all this I was always called fat because I was constantly eating, and I was called lazy because I would never want to move (turns out my brain wasn't getting enough energy I guess??) I was always having to listen in on people's conversations because half the time they were about me. It hurt, one of the campus security at my school kinda helped me through a lot of the bullying and always checked up on me. If he saw me crying he would tell me to go wash my face off and then let me sit and recompose myself and then would walk me to class to make sure I wasn't marked late. Now as I've grown into what ever this is I've been able to educate more people and show them I'm only doing it for my health and that it's way better to be fat and safe then skinny and always on the ground. I've grown into being able to take the stares and the uncomfortable silence in those five seconds as people look over my shoulder to watch the number pop onto my screen. I still ask myself the questions of do the think my glucose tabs are drugs? And I've also learned that when you can't beat 'em join 'em. Someone asked me if I was doing drugs while I was chomping down some glucose tabs and I answered simply, yup I'm a druggie. They didn't believe me so I told them what they were and no we both refference to them as drugs.
   My friends have also learned a few things too. They don't ask as many questions either. They've also realized that part of what ever this is, is my "quiet days", the days where I just don't feel like talking or being awake or comprehending anything. They've learned that it really helps on these days if they fill me in on the notes that I zoned out for accidentally. Or just letting me be. This thing doesn't just live in my life, it's snaked its way into my friends, family and teacher's lives too. I guess for now I'll keep asking myself these questions, learning, educating, and growing. And maybe one day there won't be a need for anymore questions.

Keep your head up and keep growing,
Ellie <3

No comments:

Post a Comment