The Constants

   
     Life is like algebra. Every day is an equation you have to find the answer to. I, almost failing algebra last year, am not very good at solving everyday equations or finding a constant to replace a variable. But sometimes when everyday turns monotonous and variables are supposed to be what fills your day with excitement,  the constants turn into the only thing that keeps you holding on at night. When you feel like you've reached your limit you turn to the things you know how to do to bring even the tiniest sliver of suspense into your day. Usually my constants are well... constant, but lately they've all gone out of wack. It's annoying when three times in one day a low blood sugar pops up onto the screen. Sure they can be all 60's but they suck. Being low has become a constant. The variable is when and how long it lasts and how long until the next one hits. I don't know about you, but this is not the kind of suspense I want in my life. In the words of Katy Perry; "Days like this I want to drive away, pack my bags and watch your shadow fade." Sometimes when I listen to that song I just want to shout "Preach it Katy!" But that would be awkward so I refrain from doing so. One thing I know for sure is I have to reinvent the way I fight this. I have to change my variables back into things I can handle, and my constants back into things I can live with.

• I've found new ways to treat lows. I started getting tired of Luna Bars and juice boxes, so I've started using peanut butter crackers and nerds. (I still use my juice box for super wonky lows) 
• I've been going to sleep earlier so maybe I can wake up a little more energized.
• I exercise nightly (or at least try) on top of color guard.
• And I've learned to let lows roll off my back. I have a strong group of people who know sometimes we just have to laugh about it. 
• And just switch it up. I'm a routined person. Everything happens at the exact same time the exact same way. I'm trying with everything I have to pry away from that and try new things. 

     It's just the little things that I'm hoping will pull me out of what ever funk I'm in. So if you're in a funk I encourage you to try the new things. They may just be little things, but maybe they'll help. I don't know maybe it's a long shot. But I'm willing to try. 

Keep your head up and pull out of the funk,

Ellie <3 

Tagging On A Low

It's not something I tell people flat out. It doesn't come up in a normal conversation. It lives in my purse when I go out and only sees the light of day when my body decides it wants to. Medically I don't share this with a lot of people. I'm an idependent person who has trusted a few select people to know the details of what to do during a serious low blood sugar and then that was that. There's no walking up to people and being like "hey I have a medical condition blah blah blah." No. I keep it to myself unless I have to tell people. Like yesterday. My cousin had her birthday party at a place called laser quest. It was a laser tag birthday party and you can bet I dominated. I'm beast at laser tag and came out of the first round in 6th place. Or 2nd with the party I was with. One of our family friends and I are really competitive. He pesters me I pester right back. We get pretty serious when it comes to talking smack. Well after the first game I was shaky, dizzy, and really tired which just isn't normal for me. I walked out to the car to grab my purse and testing kit. I sat there in the sun drinking a juice box treating a 54. I walked back in and kinda gravitated towards the corner in a silent daze. Well the family friend came over to talk smack for the second game and my heart just wasn't in it. I sat there half playing along half concentrating on doing carb to blood sugar ratio math and half concentrating on not falling asleep. 15 minutes later I was being forced into a second laser match with out getting a chance to retest or take something fast acting with me. I was just thrown in. I teamed up with a little girl who has known me her entire life, but never knew about the whole blood sugar thing. She thought that when I sat down I was just resting because of the intensity of the game, not because I couldn't feel my feet. Finally 15 minutes was up and I was out at debriefing waiting for my crappy score. Minutes later we were singing happy birthday, and eating lunch and it got so hot and stuffy inside the party room that me and a couple other people went outside to eat on the curb and get a little fresh air. That's when it happened. The question. "Why aren't you fighting back." He asked me (the pestering one). I replied with my sarcastic "you were being mean" line. Then I said, "no actually I was at the point like I was feeling faint and dizzy and I really didn't want to talk to anybody at the time." Blank face. "I have hypoglycemia, my body produces to much insulin, or at least that's what they think, my blood sugar dropped low between games and I didn't really have a good chance to correct it." He understood. Somebody he worked with had diabetes, type one. He knew about low blood sugar and them having to treat lows, he didn't know I was in that state or he would have left me alone. He knew. That was a rare response to that type of conversation, but it was nice to know somebody didn't have to be 100% educated. They already knew. I probably should have told him earlier because there house is on my way to the bus stop and if I ever had an emergency that would be the closest place to go, but they know know. I'm fine and I still got a higher score at laser tag. Just goes to show tagging on a low is never good, but everything can still turn out okay.

Keep your head up and your lasers ready,
Ellie <3

Monday

     On Monday I have an appointment with my pediatrition to talk about our "next step". I've taken so many steps in the past couple of months I don't even want to think about this one. I want definitive answers as to why, how, and what to do next and my mom wants the calls from the superintendent at the bus depot to have to stop calling her for permission to let me off the bus with a blood sugar of 40. We are hoping they order two tests the glucose tolerance test and a mixed meals test. Reactive hypoglycemia was what they said I have, but they never gave me many answers after that. They are now looking back through all the negative tests, my symptoms, and some other things and realizing I could have GSD or I could just be dealing with a bad case of reactive hypoglycemia. At this point its all up in the air. Lows are getting scarier and I'm getting more anxious for answers. So Monday is the day. Wish me luck.

Keep your head up and me in your prayers,
Ellie <3

Unicorns, Shady People In Wyoming, and Who Knows What Else

I have made yet another vlog, and before you watch it I feel you should know/ be aware of a few things.

• I had absolutely NO voice 3 hours prior to recording this, thus the sicky sound.
• I have so much hairspray in my hair I could keep a grandma's dentures in her mouth and there are still a bunch of ugly fly aways.
• I am very awkward on camera and I swear I'm not that awkward in real person so no need to fret. 
• Is fret a word?
• And from watching this video you would think I have ADHD or something, I swear to you I don't. I'm just a quick topic jumper so sorry if it's hard to keep up.
• Lastly, I'm sorry if I offend you with my old person line. It's totally true though. 
• With all that said, here you go!

Keep your head up and your unicorns close,
Ellie <3

"I will NOT Punch The Mail Man... Today"

I get on the bus at a lower than awesome 57. I take 1 sugar shot of 14 carbs (not a legit shot like with needles, but like alcohol kinda shot.) ((I've realized what I just said came out very very very wrong!!)) Anyways I had 14 carbs thanks to the Nerds candy. Then a friend was like "Yo! I got you a cookie" Those words are like music to my ears so I ate my cookie getting off the bus with an exact 80. I got into the groove of walking home and totally spaced out. I'm not sure if I can blame the low for this one or if I'm just that spacy. Any who, I spaced out and out of nowhere the mail man comes out of this guys yard. He was whistling , I was spaced out, it just didn't go well. All of a sudden I heard his footsteps and almost punched the guy in the nose. It was a new mail man the other guy knows I will punch you if you come out of nowhere and he always keeps his distance. This guy... not so much. So as I ball my fist up to punch the guy I realize who it was and told myself "Smile and nod keep walking home, you got this." 

I did NOT punch the poor mailman and I DID make it home. Just a day in the life of a blonde person reminiscing about a cookie. 

Keep your head up and your cookies near,

Ellie <3 

Welcome To The Team

This is Herman. Well... that is not Herman, my Herman looks exactly like this, but he's tucked away nicely in my unicorn skull bag and will be resting there until midnight tonight when I pull him out to test again. I got him about a week ago from a fancy place called Walmart and got him all gussied up and had him meet the nurse and the doctor and all those fun people and then today got to test with him for the first time!! It was a beautiful 107. I LOOVE Hermin. He's skinny and one of my favorite colors, and he's everything a person who has to check their blood sugar would want. The only thing I don't like is the lancet he comes with, but there's an easy fix to that. I use my old lancet the Multiclix lancing device. I love that it has 6 needles in one drum and I never have to see the needles! I also don't like the case, but really who does? So that's it. I will be posting a vlog sometime soon to properly introduce my Herman. But until then I guess you'll just have to wait. :)

Keep your head up and your blood sugar in check,
Ellie <3

A Letter To Target

Dearest Target,
Why oh why must you pump insulin through the vents? I don't understand. I come in happy and rollin steady in the 100's and walk in and exactly at that precise moment I drop low. Into the 60's and when I forgot something and had to come back you plummeted me back down. WTF?! I just wanna shop in peace while feeling my feet. I needed test strips, but I end up buying glucose tabs with them because Target you can't figure out your freakin ventilation system. And I know I could have done something to prevent this like eating moreish, but there's only so much a girl can handle on a nightly basis. AHHHHH!!! Fail Target, Fail.
Love Always,
Ellie <3

Runaway Train

Sometimes I feel like my life moves so fast. Everything blurs together and it's some times hard to take a good look at what's ahead. It's also hard sometimes to realize I'm low and that I need to do something about it. Like today I was volunteering with kids like I do almost every Saturday. I deal with about a total of anywhere between 7-13 kids a Saturday... that's a lot of kids. They're hard to keep track of sometimes and you just have to be 100% committed to doing it which I totally am which is why it is so annoying when I drop low during that 4 hour window. Today I had one of those lows where I just couldn't focus and then randomly out of the blue I couldn't walk. What do you do in that instance? You send the kids out on an early recess and send one kid out to get a fruit snack then you sit there hoping nobody dies in your no legged absence and wait for the fruit snacks to kick in and raise your blood sugar. One of the little girls had allergies and in the awful wind and rain whipping through the town this weekend she opted to hang out with me. We had a discussion on those waves you see across the pavement when it's 110 outside, we talked about how many "boyfriends" she's had (she's only 9) and a bunch of other things until it was time for lunch. It was fun. I would have missed out on this conversation had I not been low, but I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn't.

Keep your head up and your train of thought on its track,
Ellie <3

Low Frickin Hangovers

There are some of those lows that every diabetic/hypoglycemic person gets that no matter how quick you can correct it you still end up with those stupid after low hangovers. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. Those hangovers where you've never drank a sip of alcohol, but you know exactly how a hangover feels like. Yup, those ones. It comes with the usual:
-splitting headache
-the feeling like you're going to regret the lunch you just had any moment
-the constant weakness
-the tiredness and the fact that you can't even keep one eye open for the life of you
-where every noise is like a gong going off in your brain
-where you are trying to piece back the last 1/2 hour to hour trying to figure out what the heck happened
Those hangovers. I get them really badly after lows that are in the low 50's and lower. They usually include several Tylenol pills and hang out for an hour. They suck. Not gunna lie. So if you get these PLEASE tell me how you get rid of them. I would greatly appreciate it.

Keep your head up and your tylenol close,
Ellie <3

One Of The Benefits

Monday night at guard I was dropping low, I could feel it, but knowing there was three minutes left until a water break I pushed through it. When I tested at the water break it revealed a 57. I wasn't in the mood for a juice box so I grabbed a dollar and asked my instructor if I could walk to the vending machine. He sounded a little annoyed as this has happened many atimes and I just kind of ignored his attitude and moved forth in correcting my low. Well the next day I decided to talk to him about it and explain that as hard as I try to control it, I can't and there's only so much I can do. I walked up to him and said I felt like he was a little annoyed with me. And he came back really apologetic saying he was just "really worried as my face was super pale and my eyes were evidently really dilated." He also said he "understands I don't use it as an excuse and that I can always sit out if I feel the need." Cool. We were all on the same page now and I felt better knowing that I was never in trouble for my lows. Well, Thursday was a competition day. We were hosting it so him and a couple of us were hanging out in the gym. He asked me concerned about my blood sugar and I said it was fine. He was like "well I brought candy so you just have to let me know!" Well as we were warming up that o-so-usual feeling kicked in and I stepped out into the hallway. Alone, with out a bag, a juice, nothing. I don't know what I was planning on doing, but I was sweating and I couldn't really get a grip on what or where I was. Maddy soon came out with my test kit and sat down with me waiting to see the results. 63.

 That's what it felt like. (IDK what 1.1 translate to in mg/dl, but I know I was not THAT low.) As I sat in the hallway waiting for my juice box to be delivered the whole entire school flooded into the band hallway. One of the teachers sat down with me because I looked like I was about to pass out, my instructor walked in and like didn't say a word just ran for the starbursts he brought, my band teacher walked in and just shrugged and there I sat in the middle of it half confused half scared I wouldn't get it up in time to perform. My instructor tore around the corner with a giant bag of starbursts, that are evidently living at the bottom of his bag and are reserved just for me, with a worried look on his face saying I could take all the time I needed, and that this is why you should always become friends with the instructors. Everything turned out fine, I carried my emergency bag around with me every where just in case I had an impromptu low. It was just funny to think. Having your instructor always carry candy for you is just one of the benefits of being hypoglycemic. See were not all bad news...

Keep your head up and your competition face on,
Ellie <3

Conversations That I Ponder LOONG After They're Over

I'm really stupid. I just am. Sometimes my conversations with people are so random or stupid or to any other normal person they would just seem off the wall, that some of them leave me thinking. And I've decided I'm going to share some of those conversations with you and maybe we can ponder them together?

Today In chem:
Me:what did we do yesterday??
Her: Weren't you here yesterday?
Me:Physically yes... mentally no.

-Random yes. Insane yes. True? Yes.

Today with my designated if I fall on the floor you're the only one besides the nurse who knows how to properly save me person: (on the football field during the hard lock down drill)
Her: Where is your emergency bag? Aren't you supposed to have it on you during these types of things?
Me: At home on my bed.
Her: Don't you to ALWAYS bring it.
Me: Yes.
Her: So why isn't it here?
Me: Because it was tired and needed to sleep in thus making it late for school and then it just didn't have a ride so it stayed home.
Her: You're stupid. But I love you... so don't die.
Me: Got it.

-true story.

Yesterday while while correcting a low with gummy bears:
Her: You're not supposed to be eating that.
Me: And you're not supposed to be annoying and yet, here you are (I'm grouchy when I'm low)
Her: I think I should take that from you.
Me: And right now I think you should shove it... (I was called away from the conversation probably for the better too.)

-true? Yes. Would I have finished my sentence? The world may never know...

Keep your head up and your conversations level headed,
Ellie <3

You Know You've Had A Great Weekend When...

-You can go out for two hours on a quad and people could care less about where you are.
-You don't ride with gloves so you get blisters on both your thumbs from gassing and breaking
-You get an ugly tan from the band-aids you put over the blisters on your thumbs
-You get in the back of a jeep to go pick up part of your group that ran out of gas and end up scaling mountains
-You put your life in the hands of a ten year old driving your quad that's 4 times bigger than her
-You have to reach over her to break abruptly because your brother cut you off
-When a random guy rides up telling you 1/2 of your group is walking back to camp five miles away because they ran out of gas and you have to internally debate on going and helping them or just leaving them to walk.
-When your mom forces you to eat a smore because you're low and she doesn't want to put up with your attitude any longer.
When you're grandma won't speak to you because you're covered in dirt.
-When your brother who left with a green shirt on comes back painted beige with dirt because he does not know how to drive slow.
-When your father has to come rescue you and your mother and you hiked to far up the mountain and really don't want to walk all the way back.
-When you get out of the truck back at home and have to walk like an old man to the house because you're so sore from riding.

Keep your head up and your amazing weekends coming,
Ellie <3

Time Ticks By...

There was a low. 52. It's low, but ya know I've walked home in the 30's before... don't remember half of it and I think I've passed out, but a 52 I can handle. I ate a tootsie roll 5 minutes before my stop, and a juice box to make double sure I was on the up and up as I left the bus to walk home. A block away from my house my toes started tingling. I retested 50. Obviously the juice box was not helping what so ever and I might as well have just skipped the tootsie roll because that had no effect either. So there I was on the side of the road left to ponder how I was going to handle this one. I wasn't scared like I've said, I've walked home lower. It was just weird how I can bring a 40 up in less than ten minutes with a juice box and a smarties and my 52 wasn't budging it was actually going in the opposite direction. So I debated, in my head of course which plan of action I was going to take. I went back to my ratios. 15:10. 80-50= 30, 30/15=2. I needed two 15 carb snacks rather soon. (Yes, I am rather good at math in my head when I'm low. Rather surprising actually.) So I dug out two more tootsie rolls. 14 carbs each, 14+14=28, meeh close enough. So I eat they were delicious btw. I get home, yes I made it home don't act all surprised. Retested. For sure I'll be busting through 90's maybe even breaking into the low 100's. Not even close. 59. Well crap this kinda sucks. Now the head ache was setting in. Uhg. I throw some spaghetti o's into a bowl and almost punched the microwave. Needless to say, I was a little frustrated. I shoved them into my mouth and waited the 15 minutes. 64. By now it was almost 2:45, my first check was at 1:30. Okay I have at least 80 carbs into my system maybe I can just ride this one out. 30 minutes later my riding at a 69. Well for the love of God will my body just do its job so I can get on with my life. A juice box and 2 oreos later I'm sitting steady at 94. I'll take it. 3 and a half hours later I'm slowly getting over the low hangover and moving on. It's just frustrating.

Keep your head up and level headed,
Ellie <3

Reflection Time With Ellie

Today was one of those days where it was amazing and horrible all at the same time. Here is just some of the knowledge I acquired today that I'm going to share with you.

1. When you get a new meter there's only going to be two people who share that joy with you; your designated medical helper (Sully) because now she doesn't have to worry about me, and the person who is like your brother and he only got excited about it because I was excited. (more on the new meter to come)

2. When you fall asleep in the band room during lunch set an alarm to make sure you get a chance to eat or else you will be low and hungry the rest of the freakin afternoon.

3. I lie. Unless your name starts with an M, I'm going to straight up lie to you about how I'm feeling. If I'm a half asleep, drunk looking, hungry, doubled over maniac there's obviously something wrong. I'm a really good hider. I can be 52 and say everything is fine with a smile on my face but look completely drunk. And people believe me!! If you have to ask if I'm okay or not the likely hood of it is I'm not.

4. Stay positive. Friday is here.

Keep your head up and your positivity present,
Ellie <3

I'll Admit It... I'm Scared.

A few weeks ago I tore tissue in my wrist and sprained it. A week later I finally got to take off the brace and a week and a half later I was back in guard. Well, the way I hurt my wrist was we had to toss the flag bend down touch the floor, come back up and catch that stupid flag. It did not work for me. Now that I'm back doing flag work and I have regained my muscle back I have to reattempt that stupid toss. And it scares the living daylights out of me. I'm so nervous about what if it happens again. So I spent all 5th period getting yelled at because I couldn't toss that toss right. So now I'm scared and annoyed and I wanted to share that all with you.

Keep your head up and your tosses caught,
Ellie <3

The Story Of My Life

This is me when I was just a wii tot 15 years ago, chilling out with my aunt in my Grandparent's back yard.

This is me now. Almost 16, almost driving, and still alive. 

This is me acting like I'm working. Yes, I slack off like any other 15 year old too.

This is me chillin with my homies and my brother in very very cold weather.

You know everyone hangs out on a horse swing. No? That's just me??

                                                   

I got really really dizzy...

This is me being a fun entergetic person with out a care in the world with people I love.

 I didn't show you my life story because I wanted your sympathy or I just wanted to show you how aweosme I am. I wanted to show you so you understand if you don't go through this and to give hope if you are. You're as beautiful as anyone else if you have hypoglycemia you're as entergetic as anyone else even if you have to test your blood sugar and your just as cool if you have to drink a juice box in the middle of math (maybe even cooler.) You're you don't let anyone take that away from you. And for your nightly laugh: this totally describes me.

Keep your head up and stay you,
Ellie <3

Ground Rules And Assigned Seats

Friday night: I fell a sleep on the bus because well let's face it, I was tired. I guess what I didn't realize is that I was low... really low... like scary low. Some one woke me up when we got to my stop, but I couldn't really figure out where I was and I didn't know how to get home. And that's all I remember, I also remember waking up laying face first on the ground with a juice box in my hand and the bagel bite box on the counter (another story for a later date.) Those kinds of things scare me when I'm completely oblivious to what's really going on around me. I happened to let it slip when I got on the bus this after noon to a friend who made sure to tell the bus driver who in turn gave me an assigned seat at the very front so she could keep an eye on me. Hey as long as I get to sit next to the window I'm fine. But now there are more ground rules in place in my life now and it gets hard to keep track of them all. Like now if I feel low I'm aloud to hang out on the bus at the bus stop until I'm high enough to safely make it home. Which is cool, I can do that. But, there's a problem half the time I don't "feel" low. I used to test before I got off the bus to catch some of those lows, but with the cost of test strips and the fact that technically I'm not "required" to test testing just kinda became irregular. So I'm setting ground rules for myself. To prevent things like Friday night from happening and to just help every one else around me feel secure. I hate when people are hovering over me when I test and stuff, but I guess it's for the better. So I'm setting ground rules some other people have set for me like the nurse and other people and some I'm setting myself. Either way, they're being set and I'm just going to have to get over it and move on.

Keep your head up and your ground rules set,
Ellie <3