Heck Yeah I did!

     I've had a few good days lately. Sure, I'm still blacking out, sure I'm still frustrated, but by golly I've had a couple "heck yeah!" moments this week. Starting with Thursday.
~Wednesday I had my first seizure free day in one whole month! "Heck yeah I was!"
~Thursday I had my first few blackouts at school, but my teachers and I handled it quite beautifully and none of us freaked out. "Heck yeah we did!"

     On Thursday afternoon my mom and I left for Wyoming to go visit some family members of ours. She does cranial therapy which quite honestly I still don't understand, but it was supposed to help and I'm kinda grasping at straws here so I went. He is a highway patrol officer who was a paramedic before. It was an interesting weekend.

Race Day 

~Well I made it the eight hour trip. "Heck yeah I did!"
~I ran a 5k with out blacking out in the middle of the road. "Double heck yeah I did!
~Woke up at 4:30 am with a blood sugar of 45 and got it back in range with in 30 mins. and woke up with a 95 the next morning. "Heck yeah I did!"
 I also thought I would share some other interesting findings with you.. So this weekend I was just kinda chilling and I blacked out. Well after they found me 15-20 minutes later I went and sat down and I was just like super dizzy. So he decided to check my vitals just to see if we could find anything. So he checked my pupils they responded fine I guess (I don't really know what that necessarily means but I guess it's a good thing.) Anyways, and then he checked my blood pressure, I don't remember what it was, but I don't think it was anywhere out of the ordinary. And then he was just kinda checking my pulse and I blacked out. When I woke up he said that he could feel it happening because my pulse just kinda disappeared. He said it was fine it was staying normal and then all of a sudden it was gone. Just like that, gone. Just for a few seconds and then when I started convulsing like I normally do it came back. The frustrating part is my EKG and echos come back normal every time. Wouldn't they show that? So after this whole glucose this we are for sure going back to the cardiologist and getting me on a Holter Monitor or what ever that's called because by golly that's just weird... and not normal. So yeah that happened.

     Today I also had a endocrinologist appointment with a different endo than the one I went to a few years back.
~Got a CGM put on for three days and have actually kept the food log up to date for more than three hours. "Heck yeah I did!"
    ~Trying to upload the picture of the CGM is gonna be a "heck no I can't", but if you follow me on instagram or twitter I posted it.

    Lately I've discovered that it's good to let yourself celebrate the positives. Because it's not the negatives or the positives that define you. It's how you handle what it thrown your way. What were your wins this week?

Keep your head up and celebrate the positives,
Ellie <3

This Is Becoming The Norm.

 

     I got the paramedics called again. This is starting to become the norm. Apparently I blacked out on the floor at Khols and a lovely patron found me while looking for her daughter. I was unresponsive, breathing, and lying face first on the ground. They called 911. I was indeed at Khols alone and my mom wasn't answering any of the calls. When the paramedics arrived I was almost out of the woods, I was still kind of reoreintating myself, but I could respond and answer questions and move my legs. It makes it a lot easier to go through stuff like this when the people who are taking care of you are in a good mood. The paramedics that responded were awesome. They took my vitals and asked me the normal questions, I've become an old pro at explaining what normally happens and handing over the emergency sheet, which once again they we're really excited to see. They said most adults aren't even this prepared so I feel special. My parents still weren't answering so he was like, we'll just wait here til they decide to get off the couch and come pick you up. Like I said the paramedics were awesome this time. This is starting to become the norm. I black out, the paramedics are called, and then we sit and wait... and wait... and wait for my parents to actually respond to any of the messages. I'm becoming a pro at pretending at keeping it all together when I wake up and reorientate instead of mentally breaking down because I'm embarrassed like I used to. I told my mom I want to go back to square one and start from the beginning. I've been noticing that this is affecting my blood sugar as well. I spike to almost 200 about a half hour before it happens and then drop into mid 50's low 60's when I wake up. I want to talk to my doctor. I don't want my mom to talk to them anymore because I don't think she's getting the job done. I'm taking over this rodeo and I don't plan on stopping until I get an answer, because as much as I'm becoming a pro, I don't want this to become the norm.

Keep your head up and keep it together,
Ellie <3

Just Keep Swimming

   

      I'm having a problem discussing recent issues with my parentals. They don't actually believe there is anything wrong with me. Yes, they've seen it, yes, the paramedics call them at least once a week now, and yes, I tell them every time something has happened, but they don't think it's anything serious. They think it's anxiety or my way of crying out for attention. If that was true I probably wouldn't have gone on a mini rage yesterday to my best friend. Because if it was my cry for attention I would have the control to stop it at any time but... I can't.
       The other day I was going out. But, because of recent black outs and them happening way more frequently in public I decided to write up and print out an Emergency Care Sheet. It has my name, birthday, what I have (or what they think I have), signs I know I have before a black out, what to expect during a black out, how they can help, when and if they need to call 911, and all my emergency contacts. I printed out five and put one in my car, one in my meter case, gave one to my best friend, taped one up where I work, and I kept another to give to my guard instructor next week as well. I thought it was a brilliant idea and when I blacked out on the shore of the wave pool it proved to be fantastic. A lifeguard found me blacked out on the shore of the wave pool so it's not like I drowned or anything, but anyways, when my brother came over he went to get my meter case. When he came back the swarm of EMT's were around me. I was awake, but I wasn't "together" if you will. I don't remember anything until a few minutes later when they said the wheel chair is on it's way and I asked if I could just walk. I mean I couldn't feel my legs, but I hate riding in wheel chairs. The supervisor responded that there was no way they were going to let me walk anywhere and that it's not like anybody knew me there so there was nothing to be embarrassed about... half of my school was there. -_- When we got to the first aid station the supervisor was looking through my meter case trying to pull out the things I needed to test and debating out loud whether or not the should call the paramedics because I hadn't been able to tell them what was wrong. As he was about to hand me my meter he pulled out the sheet. He asked if he could read it, I just nodded still not feeling all to well. He just started smiling. He set it aside and watched me test. When it came back with a 62 he told my brother to go get me a snack and handed me a glucose tab from my bag. He then sat down and raved about how the sheet helped. That he know knew exactly what to do, what was wrong with me, and had all my emergency contacts. About thirty minutes later I had bounced back into range and it was time to call my mom. He told her that the emergency sheet was a huge help and that they didn't call 911 because they knew this was normal. When I got home a few hours later my mom lectured me on having the sheet in my bag. She said it caused unnecessary panic and they would have done just fine with out it. Yet, they almost called the paramedics because I blacked out in a WAVE POOL, and didn't respond for almost three minutes. Yea, the emergency sheet caused the panic... It's frustrating how to be safe I have to do all the work, I'm the one who has to make sure everybody else knows how to help me where ever I go. I understand that this is happening to me, but sometimes it's easier to deal with things when you have the support of the people closest to you. I'm scared to go anywhere now, but I have to because I can't stand sitting in my room all day. It's frustrating that I can't get the 24hr. EEG until October because I'm "not a priority case." It sucks and I don't know how much longer I can hold on and keep a brave face up.

Keep calm and just keep swimming,
Ellie <3

I Got Wet N' A Little Too Wild

This is our new Wet N' Wild!

     My brother and I got Gold passes to the new Wet N' Wild that opened up about ten minutes from our house. This was our first time actually going and spending a good amount of time there. Before we got out of the car I said "you've heard about my episodes that kind of make me go crazy and forget who I am and sometimes pass out right?" He looked at me and said "Duh you get them once a month.. it's called your period." *connect palm to forehead multiple times here* "No, I'm talking about when I forget who I am and sometimes pass out. If this were to ever happen here. There is no need for paramedics, I just need to take my meds and me monitored until I know where I am, and you need to call mom, her phone number is on the back of my bracelet." Soo you mean we can't ride the water slide? *connect palm to forehead again*
    We were standing in line for a ride and I just felt "off" that off you can't quite explain but you know it's something. About ten minutes later we scream our way down the water slide and exit and I could feel my legs. I kid you not I could not feel my legs. I told my brother to go hop in the wave pool that I was going to go buy another water and run to the restroom and meet him back at the waves. Well, some people just don't understand the point of I'm about to pass out you need to get me help because this guy just stared at me blankly. I ordered a THREE DOLLAR water bottle WHO CHARGES THREE DOLLARS FOR WATER IN THE DESERT?!?! Anyway, I finally get it and ask where the first aid is? "Uhhhhhhhh I don't know this is my fist day here." Is the response I get. I walk over to another lady who has a lifeguard uniform on. I asked her... "It's just over there, make a left....... at this point everything is garbled. I asked her to walk with me. "I'm sorry, I'm on break." Was her response. This is ridiculous. When I finally make it there BY MYSELF the receptionist is sitting behind her desk and two metro officers are sitting in the only two chairs in the small room. I'm now holding myself up with the wall let me add. "I'm about to pass out, I don't need 911 I just need help and to sit." Both the metro just start freaking out like calm down sirs I'm sure this is not the worst thing you've seen all day. The receptionist lady takes me back to a different room which is finally the first aid room and they have me sit on the cot. Where they watch me take my meds. They then call the EMT for Wet N' Wild, they apparently have they're own which is good to know. He came in and checked my vitals, made sure I didn't have a brain injury (I didn't), asked me the normal questions who are you, do you know where you are, president's name, who are you with... and that's when I remembered my brother. "Ehh he'll be fine. And if you're really worried about him we can send one of those cops out to go grab him from the pool." He also asked me one last question. "You've told me this is migraines any other medical conditions I should know about.. I answered hypoglycemia." I don't know why I haven't had a major blood sugar problem in a good month just upper 50's low 60's are the worst. "Have you tested recently?" I shook my head. He escorted me back over to my stuff and had me grab my kit and then walked back with me to the first aid room. The all to familiar *beep beep* and then it happened, 37 flashed on the screen. I know the rescue meds I'm taking and the one I took at the park today caused my bg to drop a little but I've never seen it do something like that yet."Do you want me to get you something for that?" he asked hesitantly. "Do I have a choice" I asked more sarcastically than anything. He shook his head and chuckled. His supervisor came in later and told me jokingly I'd have to get my left leg surgically removed.. that kind of lightened the mood. They finally let me leave 20 minutes later with my bg back up at 84 and my migraine gone. I didn't see the EMT again, but I kept running into the supervisor and he kept pretending to be shocked I still had my left leg. -_- There really is no moral to this story. It's more of a wow, that was kinda scary more than anything story. My brother still thinks I was in the bathroom the entire 30 minutes I was gone, but I don't think he realizes it was 30 minutes. Just another day in the life I guess. :)

Keep your head up and just keep swimming,
Ellie <3

Only I Could Master Going Low At a Place Like This

Before I begin this is NOT A POLITICAL POST I PROMISE!!!! It just takes place on Election Day.
      Through my school, I found out that on election day I had an opportunity to work at the polls. And in Nevada we get the day off so I jumped on the opportunity to be apart of the voting process even though I'm not old enough to vote. I was supposed to bring as much food as I was not allowed to leave the polling place during the day. I showed up to our polling which was at the fire station just down the road. We were showed where the kitchen was as that would be where we were taking our breaks and the fire fighters were all really nice. The polls opened and we were off and running. Everything was going smoothly until my five o'clock break. I tested and looked at the 36. No symptoms at all. I took a bag of crackers into the kitchen and began nibbling at them. I was starring at the wall when the firemen came back. One guy looked at me and asked if I was okay, I just kinda looked at him and didn't answer. He snapped his fingers in front of my face and asked me again. All I could really choke out was "I'm just low." And I went quiet again. I was now half way through my second fruit snack and he was still just sitting in the kitchen glancing over his shoulder every once and a while checking on me. Because if there's one great thing about going low on election day, it being in a fire station at the same time. I started shifting back into life and he started asking me questions. "How low were you?" 36. "What is your target range?" At stuff like this between 80-120 but it's more important to keep it above 80. "How many carbs did you have?" A total of 45g. "What are you now?" 46. He didn't say anything when I got up and left a few seconds later. It was a bad night with a very stubborn string of lows. But, you bet I did amazing showing people from a distance how to use the voting machines. So thank you to the fire man who looked an awful lot like this guy:

Keep your head up and your political posts off facebook please,
Ellie <3

P.S~ sorry it took you guys three tries to eat dinner with out having an alarm sounding.

I've Never Seen It Happen To Anyone Else

I live in Nevada so we got Nevada Day off yesterday, and my church decided to take a youth trip to Six Flags in California. Our group took seven kids total and three adults. Our new Pastor came with us and when we were taking the little trolly up to the top of the hill at the park he looked over at my mother and the other chaperon and said just so you know I am Type One Diabetic and we may have to stop and eat more than once. He told them that he carried his meter and his pump, but he didn't want to bring any snacks into the park. He then listed the warning signs and said just get me juice and have me drink it. Now my mom has never really engaged in my hypoglycemia, she's just kinda let me take care of it and we never really spoke of it. That why when she said "oh my daughter has hypoglycemia" it kind of took me by shock. I let him know that I had plenty of juice boxes, granola bars, and fruit snacks to supply the both of us and he just needed to let me know when he needed one. Our groups split up and we went on our ways. It was so much fun, SUPER EXPENSIVE, but so much fun. At the end of the night we met back up at the front of the park so we could head out towards the cars. It was around 6:30 and I hadn't eaten dinner, but I had kept on the snacks. I tested my blood sugar and was surprised when a 36 stared me back. Then it hit me. We got in the car on our way to Taco Bell and I kinda lost it. There was crying, and panic attacks, and fruit snacks flying, and laughter at me from the back seat is was not fun at all. So when we got to Taco Bell my mom ordered my food and I found a table and put my head down. I could feel myself morphing back into a human being as I had already had 2 juice boxes and a fruit snack. And as I was eating our Pastor looked over at me and was like "You seem to be waking back up." And I was kinda like giving him a death stare, I didn't mean to, but it just kinda happened."I was 36, I now have 90 some odd carbs floating around in my body, I better be waking back up." His mouth dropped and he said "That's what it looks like to be low? I've never seen it happen to anybody else. I saw all the warning signs when we were walking back to the car I just didn't really think about it." It just surprised him and caught him off guard that, that's what a low looks like. He's probably been through it a million times we just never really see it happening to other people. I also realized I'm not alone. I wasn't there when it happened, but I guess he dropped at the park too.. There really isn't a moral to this story, it was just one of those day in the life kinda things. :) 

Keep your head up and have a safe Halloween,

Ellie <3 

I don't Think You Know

   
     I was sitting dying on the floor at a Hunger Games themed birthday party... We just played around of nonviolent Hunger Games and I was hot, sweaty, sticky, tired, and low. I have been all week. Ever since Wednesday when I dropped into the 20's at school again. It's been kicking my butt lately. But anyways, I was laying on the floor under the AC trying to catch my breath and regain stability in my legs. As I was laying there a lady appeared probably from somewhere, but I swear she poofed out of nowhere. She asked me if I was alright and I said yes just a little tired from running haywire in the sun. She got really close to my face, maybe even a little to close, and whispered "it's okay I know what you're going through." Ummm okay?? I turned to her and asked "what do you think is wrong?" I was trying to be respectful be polite, but it really just wasn't happening. "Oh you know it's not a party you are throwing and you're not the main person and you're feeling left out. It's okay, I may not agree with how you're feeling, but I understand." Umm NO YOU DON'T!! I didn't say that of course, that would be rude, but seriously I've never met you before and this is one of the first things you say to me? Really? "I'm actually laying here alone and not outside with the rest of the party because I feel like I am about to pass out, and my blood sugar is low and I just need to sit out for a few." I said nicely, quietly, discreetly. She wasn't going for it. "Oh I know how that feels too, I watched a show on TV and one of the characters was diabetic." At this point I had lost all level headedness. Oh no, I was about to blow. "I'm sorry, but watching a TV show doesn't even begin to tell you what I'm going through right now." She kept talking but I tuned her out. I was done with the conversation, she wasn't getting anything I explained it was for the better that I stopped talking. I've since been thinking.. there's a lot of people who don't understand.
-I try so hard to participate in party games, but with a blood sugar of 40 that's just not an option.
-I can't see ANYTHING when I am low, the vision just isn't there.
-my attitude goes right out the window I'm a lifeless corpse waiting for something to happen so I can be functional again.
- The anxiety attacks that I have become familiar with after a low makes me cry, shake, freak out and I've learned that leaving the room is my best option.
People don't understand that I can't control what happens when I'm low, I have no power against my body... and it sucks. When your day starts off at exactly 100 and then at 1:30 you're 79 and then at 3:00 you're 42 and then you're 90 at 4:30 and back to 50 in 20 minutes you just want to scream. You can't control it and no most of the times people don't understand this. It's beyond frustrating that I have to deal with these lows and the anxiety and I am trying SOO hard to better control my blood sugars and to be healthy people just don't understand this.
Keep your head up and it screwed on tight,
Ellie <3

It's Not Fair

     Do you know what it's like to not breath? What it's like to feel captive inside your own body, to want to move and do things, but being constrained to the spot you're already in. I know what that feels like. I've been in that spot more than plenty times this past week. I knew the signs well in advance, but because there was so much other stuff going on in my life I looked past all of it. I looked past the dizziness, the clouded vision, the dilated eyes, the confusion, the blurry vision, I looked past all of it. Looking back, everybody around me said they knew something was wrong, but because I had been in such a bad mood they didn't want to push the subject. They said I was distant and my face went pale, they said my speech kinda slurred, my thoughts were speratic and and jumbled they just knew that I had been in such a hole this past week that they didn't want to say anything. None of us realized how serious it was until I was sitting in the nurse bawling because they wouldn't let me go to sixth because I was 28. I was 28... Just saying that in my head makes me want to cry. It's a scary THOUGHT to THINK, but you never think that will really happen to you. That is until it does and you want to kill everything in your path because if you have to feel like this they should too, because if  you can't go to one of your favorite classes they shouldn't be able to either. It just isn't fair. None of this is fair. I missed instructions that are really important, I missed notes that are really important, I miss seeing my friends and being there. And now because of that 28 I have to test everyday before guard and I CAN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES participate if I'm under 80.. It's not fair. Other kids can go to class and learn and whine about it, but I'm sometimes stuck in the office and I mean I love our nurse it's just not where I want to spend my time during the school day. I've gotten used to the fact, I've become okay with it, it's just not fair. I know, I know, life is never fair, but I think once, just once, life could bend the rules. Do you think any of this is fair?

Keep your head up and keep breathing,
Ellie <3

Why Are We Calling Your Mother?

   
      I walked up to the nurse for the first time my feet dragging, hands shaking, head in a cloud. I plop my bag on the chairs and walk over to the counter with my bag in hand. I prick my finger and look over at the Mrs. K the FASA with a dead look on my face. "You're low aren't you?" She asked looking over at me.
"Yup. 44." I answered putting my kit back in my back pack. I sat down on the chair and began slowly munching on my Oreo Thins (Goodness I love those things). 15 minutes later I test again, "54." I reported to Mrs. M. I'm not allowed to leave the office unless I'm 70. I ate a granola bar hoping it would push me back into the safe zone so I could continue on with my crappy day. After 15 minutes I tested again (ode the joys) I looked down at the screen to see a 48. Why it went back down I will never know. Mrs. M looked at the number and said drink this and handed me two kaprisuns. 10 minutes after that I tested again at a 59. "Can I please just go to class? It's math and I'm missing notes and all that jazz." I asked. She let me go as long as she walked me there and I came back during the next passing period. So I did, I came back and I tested just like always. "68." I reported zipping up the case.
"Why isn't it going up? Am I gonna have to call your mother?" Mrs. M fake threatened handing me another juice box.
"Why are we calling your mother?" A school police asked as I sat down in my chair. He was serious too. If Mrs. M hadn't of explained to him the situation and why I looked drunk and high and all out of sorts he probably would have. "Oh so that's why you look so drunk and stoned." He said after the shpeel. I then told him the story of me walking home from the bus stop and being pulled over by our neighborhood cop because I was stumbling and acting funny. He just sat there and looked at me. Now I'm sure he'll be asking more questions every time I pass him in the hallway too, but then again I guess I'm used to that.

Keep your head up and you blood sugar higher,
Ellie <3

The Art Of Going To The Store For One Thing And Coming Back With Four Other Things

"Moooooom I don't feel good." I said as I laid down with my cheek against the kitchen tile.
"What's your sugar?" She asked only half paying attention.
"Do I look like I care what my number is right now? I told you I don't feel good." I huffed laying my head back down.
"Go check, I think it might be useful." *unzip the ugly a$$ black pouch, slip strip into slot, poke finger, flinch because you hit a weird spot on your finger, wait for the five seconds to be up.* 66.

See that grey dot? Yes, that would be where I pricked today.. -_- 

"Mom I'm almost out of strips and I've got a lot going on this week." I huff again except this time while drinking juice.
"Maybe after you eat your dinner you can go get yourself some." She said half sarcastically. So after dinner I got my butt up to go get more strips from Target. I walk straight over to the pharmacy... I mean of course they were closed it's labor day, I really should have thought that one through. But, then I thought crossed my mind. I'll get some ice cream. So I walked to the back of the store and grabbed some ice cream, and then as I was walking back up to the front I remember "oh silly me I need a toothbrush because I acentically threw mine away this morning." So now I have ice cream and a tooth brush then just as I was about to check out I decided I needed an Itunes card because Fun. had a new song out that I NEEDED to get. So now I have ice cream, a tooth brush, an Itunes card, a pack of gum, and NO STRIPS!! Hmm I suck at being a one track minded person. This is why I don't go to Target with money.

Keep your head up and your tooth brushes OUT OF THE TRASHCAN,
Ellie <3

P.S I found this on Facebook today because Lord knows I'm not addicted to that.. I though I would share it with y'all because really it's quite funny.

Yup, you know you wanna smile now. :) Have a good short week everyone!!

I Need To Get Over This

Let's just use this cat as a visual reference to how I am when a day like this happens.
Now that you can see it, please feel free to continue reading today's post.  

   
      Today at like nine I felt the usual: shakes, dizziness, no concept of time, space, anything for that matter. I test like normal and I freak out when at 30 something flashes on the screen. I mean of course it would, it's only the fifth day of school. By default I drink a juice, down a fruit snack packet, and eat a smarties. I guess now I'm looking pale, and higher than... *enter a metaphor or simile for high here* When the end of my next class came I did the annoying part of being low, I tested again. I had shot up to a whopping 58. *enter exasperated sigh here*. A 58 wasn't low enough that I wasn't concerned and it wasn't high enough to be happy with so I sulked on with my day. Lunch came and I wasn't hungry, I had a headache, was tired, and just ready to be done with the week. So I bought some water, took Tylenol, and tried not to snap at anybody doing anything stupid while I was in this state. A few people bugged me about eating because they knew I was low earlier, but I just wasn't in the mood. I could have cared less about the consequences of not eating at that time. After lunch I go to tech theater, I mean of course today would be the day we go up to the sound booth and onto the catwalks.*Enter yet another exasperated sigh here,* so I drug my dizzy and out-of-sorts butt up the stairs to learn about technical things. When the final bell rang I felt beat like, I literally felt that I couldn't physically hold myself up anymore. I walked into the band room and sat down on the floor. I tested to see if I was decent enough to drive home, oh no... It had to be a flat out 50. So I trudged around school with another fellow guardie and waited for the smarties to kick in before I drove home.
     So now that you've heard the story let me explain the lessons that I learned from this:
1. If you're 30 something you need to go visit the nurse, no matter how much you hate missing class a 30 something is NOT OKAY to be walking around with.
2. If you're still low after the first time you treat it's probably a good time to get more carbs in you.
3. I don't eat lunch at school... ever... unless I'm really really hungry or low. I NEED to start eating lunch and or eating more of a snack because a water and Tylenol is not going to cut it.
4. I need to stop being stubborn. There were like two people who kept trying to get me to eat, but I wouldn't swallow my stupid pride and start eating. Because I'm an independent person and I don't like to be told what to do. So if you were one of those people today... Sorry I was such a jerk.
5. I need to get over this, this not caring about the consequences of not eating, or treating, or caring. Because this is my life, my health on the line and there's not a lot of margin to screw around with. I need to start paying attention and being smarter about my choices.
If there's one thing I learned today it's to:
Keep your head up and press on,
Ellie <3

The Uphill Battle And The Bloopers In Life

     Today's post will be a multiple posts in one post, post. Does that make sense??? No one? ookay then never mind. 

     Summer is such an easy going time of the year. You're done with school, you can hang out, eat when ever you need to, go places when ever you need to, it's all fun and games until the school years starts. I've started my countdown.We only have 7 days left of Summer. This is both exciting and completely unnerving. I'm excited to get back to the new school year, I'm excited to see my friends and start up marching season. But with all of that comes the constant flow of math, and numbers, and carb counts, and purchasing of frosting for me and the nurse, and getting last minute orders faxed in from the doctor, and packing snacks and guesstimating my schedule based on last year's events. I'm excited, but worried. What would you call that exerried? (Nevermind erase that horrible word from your memory.) The beginning of the school year is always such an uphill battle. It's always me and my body fighting against the rest of the world. And although there are other people who are going through the same thing, maybe even worse, none of my family knows what it's like to go through this every.. single.. year. So I'll start this school year with my head held high and my bg completely out of whack and I will conquer.

     Oh hey. It turns out I'm allergic to freakin cinnamon!!!!!!!!!!!!  I found this out the other night while making cookies, amazing cookies might I add and when I was finished I, like always, licked the bowl.(I mean who doesn't right?) Anyway I haven't made this type of cookie in a few years so I licked a lot of the bowl because it was good. And then my tongue started itching, and then a few minutes later my eyes started watering, and you could just start to see my tongue swelling just a bit, but I didn't think much of it. Until my breathing became shallow and my throat started feeling like it was closing in. *caugh caugh* still couldn't breath, throat still feeling like it was closing. Maybe you should go take a benedrill, my mother told me.But see I can't swallow pills so I stayed put until she shoved it down my still closing throat. Soo umm I guess I'm allergic to cinnamon now..

     Sometimes life is all about letting go and trying new things. Like not worrying or just not caring (unless it's important than you should care.) You see that girl behind me. Her name is TooClazzy. Okay that's not her name, but ya'll don't really need to know it. Anyway she's one of my besties who has a great sense of humor. She always made fun of my new product Dex4. I bought it one day while shopping and decided it might come in useful for band camp. Today it did. On the bottle it says boosts lows fast and boosts energy. Well, I was low... like very low and when you're that low you tend to get picky about food (or at least I do). So when I was sitting on the field with a 38 I opened up the bottle and began to sip, it wasn't that it tasted bad, it just didn't taste like I wanted it to at that moment so I went back to my juice box. Well TooClazzy came over and was like hey that boosts energy? Can I have the rest? And I was like I really don't care. She thought it was the greatest thing EVER. It was seriously funny and made me laugh which is good when you're chillin at a 38 in the middle of 110 degree whether OUTSIDE!!

What ever happens...
always keep your head up and your smile on (and if you're me... stay away from cinnamon),
Ellie <3

Laziness

I was sleeping so Sidney (tator) decided to remind every one where my toes were... 

   
     I am naturally a very lazy person. I really do believe we all are, but that's besides the point. I was pondering this last night when I lost all sight in my left eye.. for the second time yesterday. I discovered that I know all the warning signs, and for the most part I start feeling symptoms before I'm almost on the floor. But, a lot of times I don't listen to what my body is telling my brain. I know when it's happening or about to happen, I just know, but I refuse to listen to it. I put off testing or correcting until it's almost to late. And I've come up with a few reasons why. I can't figure out why, but it happens 40% of the time:
-I'm to lazy to get up and go get food
-I'm hanging out with friends and don't want to leave to take care of it
-I don't want to be judged
-I just don't want to
-or I don't think I'm as low as I actually am.
     I know the signs. I know what to do. I know I can do it. So why don't I? Why can't I get my brain to tell my body we gotta do this, we must take care of this. It's like somewhere the message to correct the low is getting lost somewhere en route to my brain. I should probably figure that one out, before it's to late.

Keep your head up and you brain sharp,
Ellie <3

Keeping My Happy Face On

     I haven't posted in a while. Life has simply gotten away from me. In a matter of weeks I got my license, got a job, finish my second year of high school, got a boyfriend, and started being completely independent. I always knew that turning 16 would be a major turning point in my life. I just knew it, before that day I felt trapped, not in a bad way, but just trapped in a world where my world had to coinside with everyone else's. I couldn't do something if I couldn't find a ride, I couldn't eat somewhere if I couldn't find a ride or someone who would pay for me.. things like that. But now, I can do what ever I want, to an extent and I just feel free. I've let go of those strings that were attached to me and I've officially become my own person.

     And I'm not going to lie to you... This new found freedom has been AMAZING!! But, lately I've noticed that it's been taking it's toll. I've noticed that the emotional side has been weighing down on me, and the physical/medical side of it all has been making it's self known as well. And well, I've just been coping. I haven't been conquering, or fighting, or even trying, I've just been riding it. Sure I've come to terms with the fact that testing my blood sugar is no option and my boyfriend has been fine with that. It's just he's never seen  a sever moment where I can not physically handle things on my own, and I fear that if that does happen he won't know what to do because he just doesn't know. And I don't want to educate him or even bring it up because well it's still awkward. I don't want to HAVE to talk about it. But I know I HAVE to because my episodes lately are speratic with no pattern, and they've been bad.. like grey blurry vision, no freaking clue where I am, what I'm doing, or where I'm going, and dizziness like you can't imagine. And every time like clock work I test and I'm still hovering in the 120's-130's or every once and a while the 30's and 40's. I just don't understand it!!

It's like that elephant that sits in the middle of the room, except in my case it's that creepy monster.. (I have no pictures of me with elephants. Stick with me..) I feel like I'm slowly loosing hope. That there's nothing left to fight for, except for the fact that I have EVERYTHING left to fight for. So what do I do? To educate or not to educate? Tis is the question. And if I do, what do I say? Uhg... this is soo difficult.

For now I think I'll just keep my happy face on and keep riding it through.

Keep your head up and your happy face on,
Ellie <3

Oh hallelujah!

I was left to walk across a field in Nebraska alone because my brother talked my parents into driving away as a prank. Thank goodness it was only a few hundred feet. :) 

      Where to begin? Should I start with the fact that I successfully made it through my first week of work? Nope, you probably won't care? Should I begin with how awful it is to pack for a two week vacation and not having enough shorts or test strips to cover it all? Nope, that's a whole other story. Should I start with the start of my two week college road trip? Yup, let's start there. 
     I don't know where to begin (did I cover that already?) Well, two Thursdays ago (6/14) I was boarding a plane for Omaha. I know, what could possibly be in Omaha that I would need to visit for two weeks. Well, Omaha was just the start. My family and I were embarking on a two week road trip where we would hit Concordia Seward, Martin Luther College, Concordia St. Paul, Wisconsin Lutheran College, and Concordia Meckwan. All while visiting family, friends, and tourist attractions along the way. There are four people including me who went on this trip. A plane only seats three in a row. So I volunteered to be the odd man out and sit alone a few rows back from the rest of my family. I got comfortable in my seat next to the window and began reading my book waiting for the plane to taxi out of Vegas so I could listen to my Ipod. A few minutes later two older ladies came and sat in the empty seats next to me. I, trying to be polite say hello and held their coats while they buckled in. Why in the world they would need coats in 100 degree Vegas weather beats me, but I held them. About ten minutes later we were prepping for take off, and just to be on the safe side I decided it would be a great time to test. I pulled out my meter and tried to test discreetly, as I have had experiences with testing on a plane before, when randomly the lady sitting in the middle seat leaned over and got a little to close to my ear and whispered "it's okay I do it too." I looked at her awkwardly as she was still in my personal bubble. "I'm sorry?" I answered back. "I test my blood sugar too. Mine isn't anything fancy like yours, but I test myself too!" She sounded excited so I asked the dumbest question I could have possibly came up with "Do you have diabetes?" I should have known that there was a 98% chance she would have said yes, but her answer surprised me. "No." When she said this I was slightly confused why else would she possibly test her blood sugar?? "I have sever hypoglycemia." She said matter-o-factly. Oh hallelujah! We shared stories and I told her about my blog and that was that. I noticed her peaking over at my meter when I tested again about an hour later, and I also noticed the sour look on her face when it flashed back at 52, and then again an hour later with a 60. She knew what it was like. She was on the inside of the same circle I'm stuck in the middle of! We exchanged emails and decided to stay in touch. I told her to have safe travels and that was that. Done.
     This is only day one of traveling. I hope to bring you more enlightenment on what went down soon. :) Hope you all have had a great June!!

Keep your head up and be ready for any conversation,
Ellie <3

Party At My Place

   
     Today is my first day of work. Not volunteering, not helping my grandma and getting payed. Working. Being on a pay-roll, having to show up on time, you know the drill. My hours are great, I work from one in the afternoon until six at night. This way I have plenty of time in the mornings to hang out with my brother and do summery type things and then I have time at night to still make it to my new Kettlebells class at 7:15. It works for me. But what this also means is an earlier lunch, limited snack times for me, and a much later dinner. There is also not an onsite nurse that I can consult with if I ever become very low or just feel "off". Granted, I am working at a preschool so the kids will have a snack time that I will be able to sneak in some extra carbs, but I will be working in the play area/ gym. Which means stress overload and playing with kids. Which also means I will need twice as many fast acting carbs and a few more grams of protein to cover it all. Now I just feel like I'm already running in circles. So needless to say.. I'm nervous.
     It also really doesn't help that last night around 2:00 AM my blood sugar decided it was going to be a great time to go deep sea scuba diving and never come back up. So just like I do in the day time with a bg of 40 I did at night. Except, I was still half asleep. Right in the middle of a partying type dream. My best friends were all wasted and I was the only one sober (good for me!). Until I found the bottle of apple juice. So I was up for an hour and half doing juice box shots, rocking out to my ipod (quietly, normal people aren't up this hour) and pricking my finger every half hour or so. Yup. That was my night. Now I feel hung over and very slow to want to face the challenges of a new job this afternoon.
I. Will. Make. It.

Keep your head up and your mind open,
Ellie <3

We Have Orders!!

   
      We only have three more days left in school. For some reason our sucky school system decided to keep us in school for an extra two weeks compared to every other school system in the United States of America, and maybe even including Canada. All I know is we're so close to the end. What also sucks though, is that I was just starting to get a routine down. The doctor ordered I start testing my blood sugar around six times a day, just to see if we can find a pattern, we can't, but still we have orders, which means Mrs. M the school nurse can officially put me into the system! Which is both good and bad. The good thing is this piece of information is aromatically sent straight to my teachers. They can no longer say I'm 'abusing' the health office. Cons to this, is that I have to do all my tests in the health office. Once at 8:00am, 12:00pm, and if I decided it's needed once at 1:00pm before I get on the bus. Before when I was only going up to make sure I was treating a low with enough carbs I would come get a snack and go. Now, even if I'm the slightest bit low I have to stay and wait, so I'm missing more class time. And if I forget to go up, they hunt me down and I have to go up and test. But, we've been catching waay more lows this way. Now we're catching them in the 60's and high 50's instead of 40's and 30's. That's a trade off I'm willing to make. But, this all started a week ago, and now it's the end of the year. Next year I'm just going to have to start from the ground up again which isn't exactly my favorite thing ever. Either way, I have three more half days left until Summer and I. Am. Ready.

Keep your head up and your sunscreen close,
Ellie <3

Besides Internally Panicking

Oh hey 56, let's accompany you with a juice box and get you back up.
48, one juice box and some type of protein.
32, two juice boxes and a lot of sitting around.
Numbers get thrown at me fast and hard, but I try to always be prepared to face the music with something to raise my blood sugar the second I realize it's low. But what happens when I forget to pack something to correct it with? What happens when I don't realize I'm low until its to late. What is one to do in this situation besides internally panicking??
Do you fake it as though your fine and not draw attention to yourself or do you flail your arms screaming "Who has food?!?!" Especially when you're as low as 41? I'm an independent person. I will go out of my way to help other people, but I hate having to ask people for help or for favors. Every one I come in contact with on a daily basis are always willing to help or go out of their way to do what ever needs to be done when I can't really think for myself. I just hate telling people when it gets to that point. I try to brush it off as though it is nothing or I'm just tired, but inside I know it's more than that and I know I should really let someone know. I just can't bring myself to starting that process. For me, asking for help is like pulling teeth. I just don't want to let it come to that. So what would you do if your blood sugar is 41, you're slipping in and out of sleep, and you have nothing to correct with? Well, beside internally panicking.

Keep your head up and your suggestions coming,
Ellie <3

All Day.

All day.
I've been lying around lazily all day since we got home from the movies. I would lie on the couch half heartedly switching channels before turning the TV off and moving to another couch. Sleeping for a half hour and then starting the process over again. That's it.
All day.
I began to get bored of this process around 3:00 and decided it was a grand time to just see what the ol' blood sugar was up to. 63. I ate spagetti o's. Well, half of them and then I felt like I would get sick if I ate anymore so I threw them away and got a juice box instead. Once again only half was drank before it was off to the trash with it's bad self. Thirty minutes later on a commercial break I decided it would be a good time to retest just to be on the safe side. 68. At least it went up? I decided enough of the whole meal options I went straight to the candy drawer. Two smarty packs to tie me over til dinner. Thirty minutes later the count down flashed on my screen... 31. Hmmmm. I forced a lunchable, cookie, and a juice box down and then sat on the kitchen floor watching the world buzz around me and feeling completely hopeless. Not soon after was dinner and I ate a full meal. I'm holding steady at 111 right now (like the symmetry?) So will see how long that lasts.
All day.
But this whole scene makes me worried. In 17 days I leave for California with my choir and we still don't know what any of this is. This is my third thirty since last Monday. NOT COOL! I would like some answers soon, but no one is really commited to helping me find them. So here I sit. Worried as hell and drunked out on juice boxes. I'm gonna have the worst "lowover" when I wake up tomorrow morning. -_- Wish me luck.

Keep your head up and your laziness contained,
Ellie <3

Keep Digging

Sometimes I have those days where waking up starts the morning off on a bad foot and the ball just keeps rolling from there.
Yesterday, was one of those days. One of those days where a Luna Bar on the bus is my only breakfast and people are just 20x more annoying than they usually are. Where you're still half asleep and the bus driver thinks you're half dead. Those days where you really don't want to try to balance out meals with blood sugars and activities and days where you really don't give a flying rats patooty. Where cookies is your life line to keep you awake, but ends up almost killing you with a blood sugar of 32 an hour later. -_-. Where the person who usually keeps you smiling doesn't show up to school. And a couple of the people who know you're low and annoying to no end asking you if you're still alive. Obviously I'm still breathing. Let's talk again if for some awful reason I'm not. When you want to throw a shoe at your wall just cuz it seemed like a great idea. When you're a little scared to walk home because you're not as alert as you normally are and then you realize this and switch into hyper vigilance mode. When after you pick up your brother from the bus stop you fall asleep for three hours and when people won't leave you alone so you can fall asleep again you go over to grandma's and fall asleep there. Sometimes, I have those kinds of days.
And then there are days like today, where everything is great you're happy it's all drizzly outside and the weather is beautiful, but your blood sugar doesn't want to cooperate. This has been my week. My numbers have been completely erratic, and very rarely ever over 60 and I can feel it taking its toll on my body. And I don't like that feeling. I'm in a ditch this week and it sucks. I'm not to excited it's only Wednesday. Just wanted to be real with every one.

Keep  your head up and keep digging,
Ellie <3