First Day Stories

   

This was the best 6th grade photo I could find. The girl to my right was a friend of mine :)

The best senior me picture I could find. :D 

     Today was my first on campus day! I don't know why it took me this long to transfer schools, but I absolutely love this one!! My mom and I went in early just so she could introduce herself and talk to my homeroom teachers and show them how to "knuckle pop" me out of it. They were really awesome and almost every teacher in the hallway whether I had them or not came to meet me and learn how to pull me out of it. I wasn't sure how much I would actually get to know my teachers because I spend 4 out of 5 days online, but I think I talked to more of my teachers one on one today then I have in a whole year at my old school.
     The way it works in at the beginning of the day I go to my homeroom. There we spend the first hour doing math and they have math teachers in each room to help you with any questions or confusion. Then the second hour is set aside for me work on what ever it is that I need to work on. And all your teachers go from room to room and check in with each of us one on one to make sure we don't have any questions or problems. And finally for the last hour we go to a specialty class or an elective. Mine is world affairs. Which is actually turning out to be a pretty interesting class. My world affairs teacher is... interesting. He's an awesome teacher, but I was worried because he doesn't seem like the type of person who would handle stressful situations well. In fact he told us that. So after class I went and introduced myself and told him that if I was to ever go under in his class all he needs to do is walk over to the door and holler for the nurse because her office is across the hall. I feel better about that now.
     Another first day story: I was sitting in my third hour class (world affairs) and I happened to see out the window the fire department and ambulance showing up. Is it bad that I might of had a mini party in my head because finally for once they weren't there for me? Because I might have. Going through a whole four hours with out blacking out is a HUGE accomplishment for me. And although I sincerely hope that person was okay. I'm really happy they weren't there for me. One day down nine more months to go.

Keep your head up and keep smiling,
Ellie <3

School Tyme!

   

      I don't know why I didn't switch to this hybrid school earlier in my high school career. It is the greatest thing since sliced bread I swear! How it works is I do all of my classes online for four days a week and then one day a week I go to their campus and I meet with all my teachers and do hands on activities, get help on any assignments I'm having trouble with, and other stuff. Well tomorrow is my first day going to the campus and I was nervous about having an episode while I was there because well having a student you've just met have a seizure on you normally freaks people out. I've been talking with some of my teachers just letting them know ahead of time and told them if they ever see me tweaking in the hallway it's not drugs (I've been mistaken for a drugie a few times before.) And my government teacher responded back saying he was also my homeroom teacher. Which means I spend three hours in his room and then one hour in another room. He said he would keep an eye out for me and let the other teachers in my homeroom know what's going on and that I'm not just trying to get out of work. This made me feel a lot better about going tomorrow. At least they have been kind of briefed on what is going on and maybe they won't freak out as badly now. I'm excited now instead of nervous. :) It's finally my senior year, maybe I'll actually get to be semi-normal again!!  WHOO HOO!! If you're in school how is the beginning of your year going?

Keep your head up and get an edumacation,
Ellie <3

Another Story For The Books

     This school year I decided to do online schooling as it just was more flexible with all my episodes, doctors appointments, and other stuff. But I also go for one hour a day to my old school to participate in color guard. Today was my third day doing this and because of today's events... probably my last for a while. I got there a few minutes early so I used this free time to use the restroom when I was finished I set my backpack down so I could get out my phone. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up to the school nurse, two campus monitors, the school police, the dean, and a math teacher surrounding me yelling things into radios, shaking me trying to get me to answer questions I'm 100% sure a few seconds after that I went back into another tweaking sesh because the next time I woke up the fire department was prepping me for an IV and setting me up on oxygen. Then for a third time I fell back into the darkness of a seizure. From what people told me they started me on the anti-seizure stuff in my IV and finger popped me out of it (there's a pressure point that causes pain which I respond to and wake up). I remember waking up and ripping the oxygen tube thing out of my nose and they also said I wasn't cooperating, well I had good reason it kind of scares a person to wake up with a needle in their arm, tubes in their nose, and people yelling at them to "stay with me, keep your eyes open, talk to me sweetie...". I finally calmed down and let them do their thing. I don't know what stuff they put in my IV because I was soo loopy it wasn't even funny. Unfortunately I had to go to ER because well, I'm not really sure why but they told my mom we had no choice. So they lifted me up on the gurney and wheeled me out... in the middle of first lunch... with over 200 kids staring at me... and I probably looking stoned as heck because like I said the drugs made me so loopy. They took me to the ER and discharged me with in two hours with no new news. But that's not even the fun part. My best friend texted me asking how I was feeling. I asked her how she knew her response: "I heard you O.D in the girls bathroom." Yes folks there is now a rumor going around that school that a girl O.D in the girls bathroom and had to be taken to the hospital. The fun part is the girl they're talking about is me. She had heard about it and asked her sister who has first lunch what happened and her sister told her that "Elizabeth must of had an episode in the bathroom and was taken to the hospital" So yea... I can now check over dosing in the girls bathroom off my list and I didn't even actually do it. As to how I feel about the rumors I'm not really sure. I find it funny right now because I know what happened and it's funny that kids can take a seizure and turn it into overdose in a matter of 30 minutes and I'm sure it will get annoying soon if my parents let me go back to guard because I'll have to answer questions and be pegged as a druggie and I don't even go to that school anymore. I guess this is just another bump in the road. :)

Keep your head up and DO NOT overdose in the girls bathroom,
Ellie <3

My Head Fills With Water

     

 
       It was a water break. I felt fine, stressed, but other than that fine. I walked out of the gym and into the bathroom to wet a paper towel. Like every other water break I placed the cool towel on my head, rested my feet parallel up against the wall and laid on the floor in an attempted 90 degree angle, it's how I calm down and decompress. When the break is over someone comes out and collects me and we begin practice again. It's a routine, one that I'm used to, one that works for me. Well, at least until it doesn't work for me.
     On Monday night I was laying there, and the last thing I remember is my head filling up with water. The next thing I remember is my guard instructor and a janitor standing over me asking me to many questions waay to fast. I at the time had no idea who they were or where I was or why anyone was standing over me. My guard instructor told me I was a school for practice and them helped me up and back into the gym while I sat there pretty much crying the rest of the practice. When practice was over I got in my car and drove home. Still unsure of what happened, still not feeling back up to par, still crying. I didn't tell my mom, but I did tell Mrs. M my school nurse because now I'm scared to go to guard. I got the whole story Tuesday afternoon when my friend Maddy said she came out and nudged me a couple times (apparently I never responded) she went to get my instructor and while she was gone a janitor was sweeping past me and asked me if I was okay, he too went to find my instructor because I did not respond. I guess I had blacked out while lying down and I don't remember any of it... sadly, this is the third time this has happened in the past two weeks. Once last Wednesday in my English class, once Sunday morning on my church floor, and Monday night. I don't remember any of it and it freaks me out. It makes me scared to drive anywhere, it makes me scared to do guard or go running. It's no longer just my blood sugars anymore, I have those as under control as they're gonna get. It's just I keep blacking out. I've only told my mother about one of them because when I tell her I get a lecture on how "it's probably just stress, I'm probably over reacting, you're just making this all up to get attention." So I've stopped telling her. I started a folder and I write down EVERYTHING, from what I feel, to what people tell me happened after the fact. I have a neurologist app. on the 22nd because it's gotten so bad, and the school nurse is considering pulling me from color guard until I have the approval of the doctor to come back, I asked her not to because we have to competitions left and they're both circut finals and I can't let my team down. But it really does scare me and I really don't want to do guard. The fact that I can't remember what's happening to myself freaks me out. The only semi-good thing is every time I did blackout about five minutes before it's happening I feel my head filling up with water, don't ask me how that feels because I honestly can't explain it, but people know when I complain about my head filling with water I NEED to go to the nurse or not be alone. Hopefully we figure out what's wrong soon and I can move on with my life because this is becoming pretty annoying.

Keep your head and your spirits up,
Ellie <3      

I. Am. Strong.

     This topic is really serious, it's been happening to me since eighth grade and no one has stepped up and helped. I know other teens my age are going through the same thing as well and that's why I wanted to wright about this. Please keep your negative comments to yourself although I doubt you will have any and if you have any advice please offer it up, whether it's by email or just commenting as well as questions. This is something no one has ever talked with me about and that's why it's so important to me that I get my story out there.
     When I was a Freshman two years ago I witnessed a threat and attempt on my best friend. I reported it and my name got out from another witness. I was stalked on facebook, sent threatening emails and was looked down upon at a school where I used to be respected. I tried telling my parents that I was scared to go to school that a kid had pointed at me and said "I'm going to burn your house down." or "you better watch your back while you're walking home." It scared me, but my parents said that I was over reacting or just being paranoid  Then it just became constant, what I call bullying, what everyone else calls high school. I was teased and picked on, I would leave class crying because someone called me a whore or said something about me. I asked for help, I talked to my parents, I tried everything. No one came. I started cutting. Not on my wrists because I'm smarter than that I simply picked at the cuiticals of my nails  sometimes I would peel off so much skin I would bleed profusely  It wasn't healthy and I knew that, but I was crying for help. I started having thoughts of suicide, at first it was just am I really worth staying on this planet, but it then became more serious like if I were to do it how and when. I told a friend and she called my mom to come pick me up. I told my mom flat out that I was thinking about taking my life. I asked if I could see a counselor, I asked if they could help me, but no one would listen. I faded into the white noise of statistics and I never looked back. I bottled it all up inside me and kept going. The only people outside of my mother that knew this was the one friend and someone else really close to me. Flash forward to now. I just came back from Thanksgiving vacation, literally pulling into the garage when I got a text from a different friend asking me if it was true. If I really was suicidal freak on medication. The rumor spread. I walked into class late one day from the nurse after treating a very scary 30 and the first thing I hear was "she must have forgotten her medication today because she looks gross." I know I should be above caring at this point, and I know I should let it roll of my back, but when someone says that, when rumors spread about you it hurts. I feel betrayed by that person I trusted enough to tell this too, and I'm tired of hearing people say things about me, but because I'm letting this get the best of me I'm struggling in school. I have all D's right now and I'm being called imperfect by my parents. The pressures are getting to me again and as hard as I look, I can't find an outlet. I know I'm strong and I know there are other things out there besides suicide, and I'm not in that state at all, but I know there are other people out there besides me who are literally crying out for help and they are being over looked. I don't know how to help them, and I don't know what I can do, but if you do come across someone like me please don't tell them they are stupid for feeling betrayed and hurt and scared. We just want someone to listen to us, and to tell us that they care. As for the person who started the rumor I can guarantee that the next time we see each other they will not be smiling as they limp away. I just wanted you guys to know who I am and what I really struggle with because really I'm not perfect and I do need help, but I know others out there need help to and my story just might be the one to show them that they are not alone.

So please keep your head up and stay strong,
Ellie <3

It's Not Fair

     Do you know what it's like to not breath? What it's like to feel captive inside your own body, to want to move and do things, but being constrained to the spot you're already in. I know what that feels like. I've been in that spot more than plenty times this past week. I knew the signs well in advance, but because there was so much other stuff going on in my life I looked past all of it. I looked past the dizziness, the clouded vision, the dilated eyes, the confusion, the blurry vision, I looked past all of it. Looking back, everybody around me said they knew something was wrong, but because I had been in such a bad mood they didn't want to push the subject. They said I was distant and my face went pale, they said my speech kinda slurred, my thoughts were speratic and and jumbled they just knew that I had been in such a hole this past week that they didn't want to say anything. None of us realized how serious it was until I was sitting in the nurse bawling because they wouldn't let me go to sixth because I was 28. I was 28... Just saying that in my head makes me want to cry. It's a scary THOUGHT to THINK, but you never think that will really happen to you. That is until it does and you want to kill everything in your path because if you have to feel like this they should too, because if  you can't go to one of your favorite classes they shouldn't be able to either. It just isn't fair. None of this is fair. I missed instructions that are really important, I missed notes that are really important, I miss seeing my friends and being there. And now because of that 28 I have to test everyday before guard and I CAN NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES participate if I'm under 80.. It's not fair. Other kids can go to class and learn and whine about it, but I'm sometimes stuck in the office and I mean I love our nurse it's just not where I want to spend my time during the school day. I've gotten used to the fact, I've become okay with it, it's just not fair. I know, I know, life is never fair, but I think once, just once, life could bend the rules. Do you think any of this is fair?

Keep your head up and keep breathing,
Ellie <3

Why Are We Calling Your Mother?

   
      I walked up to the nurse for the first time my feet dragging, hands shaking, head in a cloud. I plop my bag on the chairs and walk over to the counter with my bag in hand. I prick my finger and look over at the Mrs. K the FASA with a dead look on my face. "You're low aren't you?" She asked looking over at me.
"Yup. 44." I answered putting my kit back in my back pack. I sat down on the chair and began slowly munching on my Oreo Thins (Goodness I love those things). 15 minutes later I test again, "54." I reported to Mrs. M. I'm not allowed to leave the office unless I'm 70. I ate a granola bar hoping it would push me back into the safe zone so I could continue on with my crappy day. After 15 minutes I tested again (ode the joys) I looked down at the screen to see a 48. Why it went back down I will never know. Mrs. M looked at the number and said drink this and handed me two kaprisuns. 10 minutes after that I tested again at a 59. "Can I please just go to class? It's math and I'm missing notes and all that jazz." I asked. She let me go as long as she walked me there and I came back during the next passing period. So I did, I came back and I tested just like always. "68." I reported zipping up the case.
"Why isn't it going up? Am I gonna have to call your mother?" Mrs. M fake threatened handing me another juice box.
"Why are we calling your mother?" A school police asked as I sat down in my chair. He was serious too. If Mrs. M hadn't of explained to him the situation and why I looked drunk and high and all out of sorts he probably would have. "Oh so that's why you look so drunk and stoned." He said after the shpeel. I then told him the story of me walking home from the bus stop and being pulled over by our neighborhood cop because I was stumbling and acting funny. He just sat there and looked at me. Now I'm sure he'll be asking more questions every time I pass him in the hallway too, but then again I guess I'm used to that.

Keep your head up and you blood sugar higher,
Ellie <3

I Need To Get Over This

Let's just use this cat as a visual reference to how I am when a day like this happens.
Now that you can see it, please feel free to continue reading today's post.  

   
      Today at like nine I felt the usual: shakes, dizziness, no concept of time, space, anything for that matter. I test like normal and I freak out when at 30 something flashes on the screen. I mean of course it would, it's only the fifth day of school. By default I drink a juice, down a fruit snack packet, and eat a smarties. I guess now I'm looking pale, and higher than... *enter a metaphor or simile for high here* When the end of my next class came I did the annoying part of being low, I tested again. I had shot up to a whopping 58. *enter exasperated sigh here*. A 58 wasn't low enough that I wasn't concerned and it wasn't high enough to be happy with so I sulked on with my day. Lunch came and I wasn't hungry, I had a headache, was tired, and just ready to be done with the week. So I bought some water, took Tylenol, and tried not to snap at anybody doing anything stupid while I was in this state. A few people bugged me about eating because they knew I was low earlier, but I just wasn't in the mood. I could have cared less about the consequences of not eating at that time. After lunch I go to tech theater, I mean of course today would be the day we go up to the sound booth and onto the catwalks.*Enter yet another exasperated sigh here,* so I drug my dizzy and out-of-sorts butt up the stairs to learn about technical things. When the final bell rang I felt beat like, I literally felt that I couldn't physically hold myself up anymore. I walked into the band room and sat down on the floor. I tested to see if I was decent enough to drive home, oh no... It had to be a flat out 50. So I trudged around school with another fellow guardie and waited for the smarties to kick in before I drove home.
     So now that you've heard the story let me explain the lessons that I learned from this:
1. If you're 30 something you need to go visit the nurse, no matter how much you hate missing class a 30 something is NOT OKAY to be walking around with.
2. If you're still low after the first time you treat it's probably a good time to get more carbs in you.
3. I don't eat lunch at school... ever... unless I'm really really hungry or low. I NEED to start eating lunch and or eating more of a snack because a water and Tylenol is not going to cut it.
4. I need to stop being stubborn. There were like two people who kept trying to get me to eat, but I wouldn't swallow my stupid pride and start eating. Because I'm an independent person and I don't like to be told what to do. So if you were one of those people today... Sorry I was such a jerk.
5. I need to get over this, this not caring about the consequences of not eating, or treating, or caring. Because this is my life, my health on the line and there's not a lot of margin to screw around with. I need to start paying attention and being smarter about my choices.
If there's one thing I learned today it's to:
Keep your head up and press on,
Ellie <3

We Have Orders!!

   
      We only have three more days left in school. For some reason our sucky school system decided to keep us in school for an extra two weeks compared to every other school system in the United States of America, and maybe even including Canada. All I know is we're so close to the end. What also sucks though, is that I was just starting to get a routine down. The doctor ordered I start testing my blood sugar around six times a day, just to see if we can find a pattern, we can't, but still we have orders, which means Mrs. M the school nurse can officially put me into the system! Which is both good and bad. The good thing is this piece of information is aromatically sent straight to my teachers. They can no longer say I'm 'abusing' the health office. Cons to this, is that I have to do all my tests in the health office. Once at 8:00am, 12:00pm, and if I decided it's needed once at 1:00pm before I get on the bus. Before when I was only going up to make sure I was treating a low with enough carbs I would come get a snack and go. Now, even if I'm the slightest bit low I have to stay and wait, so I'm missing more class time. And if I forget to go up, they hunt me down and I have to go up and test. But, we've been catching waay more lows this way. Now we're catching them in the 60's and high 50's instead of 40's and 30's. That's a trade off I'm willing to make. But, this all started a week ago, and now it's the end of the year. Next year I'm just going to have to start from the ground up again which isn't exactly my favorite thing ever. Either way, I have three more half days left until Summer and I. Am. Ready.

Keep your head up and your sunscreen close,
Ellie <3